THE LOVE I HAVE VS. THE LOVE I CAN GIVE

HE'S NOT EVEN THE MAN OF MY DREAMS, BUT I END UP HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH HIM.

Most of his hissy fits are getting into my nerves!

If i have a chart of people who made me cry from greatest number of times to the least, i bet he is my topnotcher. He doesn't really mind the words he say, he just let them out and strike whoever he say those words to. He neither mind what his actions can convey, whether or not they are understood, he just give it a shot the way he knows how to.

He was not tought how to say sorry i guess, 'cause he suck at it!

His tolerance and patience are immeasurable for they are so short. He is inconsiderate in most of the times.

He never run out of tasks to assign and it gets tiring everyday.

He is not a big fun of giving space. In fact, he did not give one for the record! He don't give his 'yes' for major, life changing decisions i make for myself, unless i do them before hand and before i even ask an approval about them, that way, he can't do anything anymore.

He is not good in showing how delighted he is for something great, it just wouldn't turn out into flattery for the person who did nice, and worse, it is much of an insult.

His mad voice rattles me a lot, to the extent of me just frozen in one corner with no words nor thoughts, being left blank and numb.

He doesn't hand the remote control nor ask what channel i want to tune the TV on. It just don't work that way for him! With the TV, he's the BOSS! (much like for everything)

He likes drama! It's not really something obvious or an impression for those who don't know him, idk, i find it a minus "pogi" points.

He was not positive. Pessimism invites bad luck, but he still keeps the attitude.

He created the concept of favoritism. He has apple of his eyes, and that annoys me!

He doesn't ask questions, he assumes that what he knows is the only thing that is right and acceptable. Conceited is the right term and more likely judgemental.

After work, he just sits there and wouldn't move even his fingers. I got it, he's tired. And then..?

I AM SO THANKFUL THAT I WASN'T NAMED AFTER HIM, or else i'd wake one morning hating my name because it sound rediculous and probably would start asking God WHY. ROLANDA VINUYA, what d'you think? Rhythm! Oh, i LOVE! *sigh*

Besides everything and anything, he knows how exactly to show love, show he cares and he supports. He gets the exact definition of responsible and over-doing it.

One thing i should be proud of about him is the fact that he is trustworthy and he doesn't concentrate with the predicament but how to solve it anyway.

He cooks good and savory food no one has ever made me taste of, not even my mom!

He sings his songs from the heart, and the last time i can remember is his own rendition of LARAWANG KUPAS that no one has ever sang as lovely as he does *wink*

He keeps his pain within so no one worries for him. Which i think, not really a good sign. Asking God to heal him means asking Him to remodel his whole psyche. I know that is something impossible for human, but GOD IS A GOD OF IMPOSSIBILITIES. So, i'll hold on to my faith.

He keeps his words, make them his principle -- that in the long run would define him as a person. He never promise something he wouldn't want to do, he makes sure that he sworn means he's willing.

I LOVE HIM, I DO.

The love i have is not equal to the love i can give, they are extremely two different thing, and the last is GREATER. If time comes that i do not have love left, it's the love i kept for him will keep me going, for without him i did not even exist and experience life.

On that note, i would never find another to love as much as i love him. Ever!

SANA PISO ULIT ANG PANDESAL

PILIPINAS ba ang Pilipinas kung walang pandesal? PILIPINO ba ako kung di pa ako nakatikim ng isa kapares ang mainit na kape sa agahan? Panederya ba ang JOLAS (bakery sa kanto namin) o ang dieg's o juliet's kung wala silang mainit na pandesal sa madaling araw na malamig na sa hapon? "walang matigas na tinapay sa mainit na kape" pa kaya ang titulo ng pelikulang iyon ni D' King kung walang pandesal? Magtitimpla pa kaya ng tsokolate A ang lola kung wala naman akong mabibiling pandesal kay Jolas? Pa'no naman kaya 'tong kesong puti sa mesa kung wala ang sinisintang si pandesal? Magiging solve ba ang umaga ko kung wala sya?

HINDI!

Sabi sa napanood kong dokumentaryo nung isang araw, galing daw sa mga español ang konsepto ng pandesal na di naglaon ay naging basehan ng pagka-Pilipino at pagka-makabansa. Naging simbolo na rin ito ng Pilipinas, ang tahanan umano ng magigiting.

Paano na? Paano ko na mailalarawan ang Pilipinas kung kakuntil nalang ang dalawang pisong pandesal na nabili ko kay 'pepot'?

Maliit, matabang, ampaw, malamig, matigas at mahal. Ganun ba? Masakit sa taenga. Gusto kong mapamura! Ganito na ba ang Bayan kong Sinilangan na Perlas ng Silangan at tahanan ng aking lahi?

Kayumanggi ako, kulay lupa din ang bilog ng aking mga mata, di man ako kaliitan, Pilipino ako at pinagmamalaki ko 'yun -- DATI. Di naman sa kinahihiya ko, ayaw ko na nga lang ipamukha dahil mahirap na'ng mahusgahan dahil sa itsura, lasa at presyo ng pandesal na kinakain ko.

Malimit sa hindi, magiging basehan ako ng mga taga kanluran dahil nakarami na ako ng pandesal. Pati ang pilantik ng dila ko'y magaan ding huhusgahan, pangmahirap lang kasi ang pandesal at sa Pilipinas lamang matatagpuan. Kesyo Pilipinas daw ang kinalakihan ng mga unggoy at pangawala sa buong mundo na bansang may pinakamaraming buwaya (hihintayin ko pa bang manguna?), isa pa isa raw ito sa mga pinakamaruruming bansa, nangangahulugan ba itong bulok din ang sistema?

Siguro.

Sa mga nangyayaring patayan, mga nabubunyag na kurakot at mga nakawan, gusto ko ng maniwala. Minsan nga'y ayaw ko nang manuod ng mga balita sa TV, kasi naman puro negatibo. Tulad ng:

Si Pedro natagpuang patay sa tama ng bala sa ilog Pasig.

Kinar-jack ang kotse ng kilalang personalidad.

Ginahasa umano si Nene ng amang drug adik.

Binulsa ng mga nanunungkulan ang badyet para sa mahihirap.

Natupok ng sunog squatter's area sa Maynila.

Krudo nagtaas nanaman sa world market!

Hindi ba pwedeng:
taksi drayber nagsoli ng 2.5M halaga ng tsekeng naiwan sa pinamaneho nya.

Isang aleng naghatid ng batang milyonaryong kinidnap.

Isang grupo ng mga estudyante nakaimbento ng 'time machine'

Pilipino panalo sa American Idol

Pilipinas nangunguna sa SEA games

OFW milyonaryo na!

Pandesal, piso na ulit!

Sawa na ang tenga ko sa mga basurang naririnig ko sa radyo, sa TV, pati na din sa mga tsismisan sa dyip.

Wala na bang iba?

Mananatili na lang bang ganito ang pandesal kay Jolas? O magiging mas maliit, matabang, ampaw, malamig, matigas at mas mahal pa?

Kung oo, nakakahiya naman sa kanila! Nakakahiya naman ang mga Pilipino!

Sana may magawa ako para hindi na, sana may tumulong sa akin upang hindi na, sana malasap ko ulit ang pandesal ng nakaraan, presko, malinis, masarap at kampante akong kakasya ang limang piso para mabusog ang malaki kong tyan.

Sana maging maayos na, at nang muli kong maipangalandakan ang kulay ng aking balat at ang hugis ng aking ilong.

Sana tumino na ang dapat tumino, mangalis sa bulsa ang mga nappapakapal nito at pati sa masama'y nagiging sanay at wala na'ng konsensya na ultimo NFA rice ay tinutubuan pa.

Sana'y dumami na ulit ang mga puno sa nakakalbong bundok Arayat, at wala ng kakain ng bayawak dahil may ulam nang iba.

Sana'y pitong-pu't pitong pursyento ng balita sa radyo at telebisyo ay ukol sa kabayanihan, katapatan at pagtutulungan.

Sana'y di na kailangan mangibang bansa ng mga nanay at tatay ng mga musmos upang may sapat na pangtustos para sa kanilang magandang kinabukasan.

Sana'y may kumpletong libreng gamot na sa health center ng aming barangay.

Sana'y maging panatag na ang mga gabi ng mga tao sa Mindanao.

Sana'y magkaroon ng pagkakaintindihan ang mga muslim at kristyano na igalang na lamang ang paniniwala ng bawat isa at upang magkaroon ng pagkapantay-pantay at pagkakaisa.

Sana'y maayos na ang mga kanal upang hindi na matakot sa baha.

Sana'y alam ng mga tsuper ang batas trapiko ng sa gayon ay maayos ang daloy nito. Nawa'y maayos na rin ang mga bako ng mga kalsada, pati na rin ang pailaw sa poste at wala nang mangongotong na pulis trapiko.

Sana'y dumami pa ang mga call centers para magbigay ng trabahong may mainam na sweldo sa mga high school gradweyt na matatas sa ingles.

Sana'y makangiti na ng tunay na ngiti ang mga kababayan ko.

Sana'y abot-kaya ang presyo ng mga paborito kong ulam at pati na ang maputing kanin sa hapagkainan.

Sana'y mapag-ibayo ang paniniwala sa Diyos at pagtitiwala sa kapwa tao.

Sana'y nakangiti kong lalantakan ang PANDESAL.

Sana. Sana..

tics, tweets, tango

I have gone up from bed early this morning, i instinctively poured water in the kettle, turned on the stove, got a cup, then waited for the water to boil, put coffee, sugar and creamer (powdered) in to the cup stirred it with a spoon then went out for some fresh air.

To my mind i believe it could be relaxing, but guess what?

I have been hit by every stress point i have in my body.

All i hear then was the tic tac of that wall clock in my mind, the twitting birds and the frank sinatra's album played by someone i don't think i know who from the neighborhood.

I sat on that yellow and blue chair at the garage ignoring whatever that couldn't release my mind. I looked nowhere, someone from the back of my head is breathin' on my neck saying, 'YOU ARE WASTING YOUR DAMN TIME!!'

that left me thinking if i am dilly-dollying, i'm 20, and i just stopped college just because i don't think i still can and i'm being bothered by the thought that i do not really like what i would do after college. Time being wasted i think because i am not doing what i supposed to be doing at my age, 'i am an out of school youth', but i have been thinking of this for more than a million times before and it was CONVINCING to stop college for i have a lot of reasons aside from doubts.

"now, it's crying time again you'll gonna leave. i can see that far away look in your eyes. I can tell by the way you hold me darlin'. Chuchuchuchuchuchuchuchuchu(i didn't catch up with the lines) it's crying time." that was a big bang! That song's provoking tears, but i didn't mind! I go on with my thought and wanted to turn back time, but it's too late. Though, i am in the world of electric machines, time machine isn't existing YET. Then tune in to Doraemon, and was shocked that the episode was about that machine i long to have. (wish doraemon's an existing creature)

"lonely, i'm mister lonely. I have nobody to call my own." it was that familiar karaokè again.

how about that? I stop thinking and concentrated with my favorite show! The hell i care with the past!!

I got today and the future to make it better. :)

08. NOVEMBER. 2010, 12:06am

DEAR YOU,

i'm sure i haven't met you yet, 'cause if i have, it's given that i won't let you go and the rest will be history.

I never question your existence, nor doubt if you'll ever find me or probably if i ever find you, i know it'll happen; maybe not now, nor tomorrow, maybe the next day, or next year, or perhaps next decade. One thing is certain, i'm looking forward to that day. I'm looking forward in seing your face, staring you in the eyes, feeling your heartbeat, responding your kisses, hugging you back when you find me so cuddly no matter how long or how tight, and cherish your love of course.

Well, i have created you on my mind. I imagine you so sweet and caring, that you even stay awake at home while waiting for me to get home from a very long over time, sing me 'GROW OLD WITH YOU' to sleep and true to the lines of that song you would carry me around when my arthritis is getting bad like how Robbie Hart promised Julia Sullivan. I see you making me warm in my coldest nights and would never ever make me feel i'm alome whenever we're apart (like when we're both working or you've manage a boys's night out). I also see you as someone who would carry me on his back if i'm lazy going somewhere or just whenever we play, someone who would play tickle-ticklish-toe with me then tame me when i pretend that i'm hurt or offended.

Someone who would answer my vain questions like "do you love me?", "how long would you love me?", "would you still love me when i'm old?", "how many kids do you want? What would be their names?", "do you want me to be their mum?" and " will you say 'i love you' in a crowd?" and would like it best when it's your turn to ask those 'vain' questions back.

I know you'll be that someone who would look at me as if i am the most beautiful woman you've ever laid your eyes on. Who'll believe every word i say as if i am the most trustworthy person you've ever talked to. You'll be that someone who would discuss things with me, even the simpliest decision you'll make or the most non-sense thought you have. Someond who would let me nag and show how careless my words are and still ask for a time to explain his side. Someone who would wipe my tears in fights, and someone who would resist my mood swings, that he won't show his unless i'm done and it's already his turn.

I can't promise to be a perfect partner, but i promise a shoulder to leam on in times of troubles or times of movie in the theater, hands to applaud to your success, and, a heart that would always love.

I would still be that someone who would stay when your down. I would still be that someone who would resist your loud snores at night. I would still kiss you first thing in the morning though your breath still stinks. I would be that someone who just laugh at your loud farts. That someone who would crack big time even when jokes are not those jokes-to-laugh-at. Someone who would prepare your clothes to take a bath and hand yot your towel. Someone who would give you massage when you're too tired. I would be that someone who would trust your words and none other than you, even if your officemates link you to someone else (unless of course i see you actually flirting). I would still give you time though i'm exhausted doing office's stuffs, who would always cook your most requested dish and eat dinner with you everyday. That someone who would scratch your back to sleep and would LOVE YOU TODAY AND FOREVER.

Life couldn't be complete without you, and i want to believe that you'll happen SOMEDAY.

If i found and loved you, i'll always will be in love.

Love,
Me.♥

THE WEAKEST LINK

I did not go to work today, i just felt i needed to rest my body. Well, i've been wanting to do that since the first hour of my working days. I just have this feeling of exhaust and stress, plus the speculation of aggravation over my job. And so, i texted my boss to let him know i'll be absent for some reasons which were apparently truth and lie, but they are not totally may be considered alibis because as i said, some points are true.

I stayed home and do things i do like a regular day off; lay in bed, watch stuffs, facebook, read through the internet, eat, look around, chit-chat with my mom and dad about their day at the hospital, and of course, just stocked and not move my ass!

Unfortunately, tonight's a struggle for my favorite thing to do, SLEEP. I've been laying in my bed for the last 10 hours, i have finished reading an endeavor of someone far from who i know, i have completed my ideal life in my imagination, i have visited all my friends's page and let them know i miss them, i have heard all the songs in the disc and the dj's exaggeration over the radio, i have found out where that cricket stays in my room that i could hear the buzzing sound over my place, i have figured out all the constellations present in the sky, and, i have felt me as an individual and as a normal person (just quite nocturnal unlike normal human specie). On that note, I JUST CAN'T SLEEP!

On my mind, i have totally let myself believe that i deserve a break, and how about sleeping when the sun is not up there? "fair enough!" i told myself, but looks like it did not transpire as good as i thought it has to be! Good Lord in heaven, i just had time to self-pity around and envy other people who gets the better slice of the cake!

Others may think i am bitter, well i am! I have all the reasons to be anyway, 'cause their darn asses are smelling around and it's stink like a rotten mouse or a spoiled wormy tomato chunks in a sealed cookie jar that has been freed under the glass dining table (but no worries today, because i don't have the reason to envy their obvious smells).

I envy those who have healthy father, career and love life, those who lives in mine's impossibilities -- because of my life's limits, those who care enough for others, those who can write as free as their minds can think of and those who can keep their faith glowing and not fading through time.

I envy my seat mate's life back in high school, it was simple and basic, but she's happy about it; my friend's pilgrimage in college, he'll be separated with his friends but he did not lose the hope that there'll be friends waiting for him in his destination and his mum is excited to see him again after a long time; my previous work mate who has gone to a lot of heart breaks with the one she loves (who turned out to be like a gay) and her family but still manage to walk her life through as tough as she could; my present work mate's disposition over his job -- that he will not get used to it and familiar to it enough to make him think of getting a new job and a career; my sister who is better of not revealing her emotions and keeping them to her self just so as not to bother anyone; my pop who has a lot of pain but still has that happy disposition; and, my mom's determination that we could make it to the end strong, however, we just have to accept what might happen while getting to the finish line.

No matter how hard i try, close my eyes and hide, i just can't escape the fact that i can't sleep because i am thinking that i WANT TO BE HAPPIER, but i never lose the string i'm holding on to 'IN TIME, EVERYTHING WOULD BE GREATER THAN I HAVE EVER IMAGINED IT COULD BE LAST NIGHT."

WHAT IS LOVE?

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what
love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

as i flip through the pages of my "friend's notes", i have found this not-so-uncommon title "what is love?". I called it "not-so-uncommon" just because i had researched it before and my screen poped-up billions of related links, and double the number i saw was i guess web can no longer accomodate. But, this is special enough to generate my interest to repost and write whatever i feel and understood about it. So, i thought, now is the perfect time to scribble my mileage of thinking about the said. Given it's raining, and when it rains and i hear raindrops my heart and my mind work together just the best to coordinate with the sound of my own soul to let my emotions fill my blank outlook about LOVE.

(commercial: before i go on, i would just like to recognize the person who first posted the article "kuya cris buza, kim, remember? Basha! LOL. Pahiram po ah? Thank you." and of course the saint who gives life to the article "St. Augustine, thank you for bringing a perfect definition of love in this time when everybody seem to forget what love should really stand for. And today, an ordinary person would interpret your love in her ordinary language; love is my favorite theme and i know so do you.")

so, here i go..

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision." it is eventually there and when it pops out it is either i claim or i deny it's completely up to me; then it suddenly will fade, unfortunately, no matter how hard i try to keep it and no matter how i believe it'll last 'till forever, i still am UNSURE. And when it fades, no matter how hard i try to revive, it would not just be like that, until then that i totally lose it. God created me naturally needy of love, however love is hard to receive, to give and mostly to REGAIN.

"You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part." i have to admit that this part is what i could not really comprehend maybe because I HAVE NOT FELT THE LOVE IT DESCRIBES YET, and it add up spice in making me feel more eager to find it out. Perhaps, just perhaps, it's telling me that the more i hold on to love too tight the more it would let me go quickly, so at times, i have to be lax in handling it.

"Because this is what
love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion." this is what i can say loving is not owning, loving is not over-protecting, loving is not an adventure, love is not equal to LUST, to love is to respect and to respect is to love even more.

"That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident." love is when i lose the love, that i can still love more even if i don't have enough for my self, for the one i love and for love it self. It sounded vain for the first time, but reading between the lines could decode what it supposed to mean.

"..and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." love doesn't supposed to look outward, it sees the heart and defines the soul, then rule the mind, the eyes and the desire. Love is not what i see, it is what i feel, and love by it self is what makes it the WHOLE PACKAGE TO BE CONSIDERED and not anything earthy else.

My feelings towards the article is exactly what makes it a DELUXE rather than just whatever i thought about it.

This heart's day, it is what love i give not to whom i give it, and it's not the number of times i exerted an effort, but how sincere i an when i do.

A SWEETDREAM TWISTED TO A NIGHTMARE

They say when someone dream at night she wouldn't remember upon waking up. How come i remember what i have dreamt last night? Oh, i guess it wasn't even last night, it was earlier today.

It started of so sweet that every thing is about what i dream of as a young wonderful (like a person who wonders many things, not a wonderful like what you think a wonderful is) lady when i am awake. It was just perfect that even in dreams my aspirations are achieved.

Yes, i actually have seen myself in a court having my first trial, (and the first thing i have observed? i look so thin in there! And guess who i look like? JULIA ROBERTS! Oh, men! I am not sure if i was her in there. If she was, maybe it is a movie of my life.) anyway, i look good on those gladiator stillettos, those pair of white slacks, that really nice dark blazer and gray inner, as well as those pearls made of my chocker, a pair of earrings, a ring, and bracelet. I am definitely sure about looking stunning with my hair pushed back, lips of golden champagne, eye shadow of deep tan and bronze cheeks. Well my audience? Instead of being convinced with my probing are astonished by my beauty! How about that?

After i amazed everyone, i went home in my own red ferarri with a music tune in my favorite songs. The day ended with a positive view of life with my parents and sister.

That dream shifted into something i would do seven years from now, MARRYING THE MAN OF MY DREAM! That ideal man who'd i'll share the rest of my beautiful life with, that man i called 'YOU' on my letters, that man who i imagine he is, that man who would grow old with me and that man who doesn't have his name YET (name, which i mean a literal name and not the name of dignity, because he should have that just before i even met him).

Marriage under the sunset on the seashore, with those bells of love ringing loudly in our hearts, with that discreet awareness of happily ever after, white doves freed in the air that signals the purity of love and fairness of life, the cheerful breezes brought by the afternoon wind, the calm waves and the happiness of the people around us complete the drama of the marriage scene.

Then, we had our kids, we send them to school and bring them back home together, we will have a full-blast of sunday family day and we will go on trips around the world. Life was just so perfect and everything was in place!

Unfortunately now, that was the "SWEETDREAM" part.

Here comes the "NIGHTMARE"..

It was "ME" after work at my present workplace (SUTHERLAND GS), when i received the bad news that someone is sick to death but i wasn't so sure about who's who among my love ones. When i got home, my sister and mum have seriously bags under their eyes and were literally sobbing on all their might, i had a clue then. I ask them what the cries are for and they told me that my father whom i love dearly is in his death bed. I look at him, at his weak eyes, he was shivering, his whole body changed its color, his hand was shaking, my tears fell, but i have to be strong, so i pretended i am. I treat him as normal as i could, like the way i treat him every morning when i arrive from work, i ask if he wanted coffee and "pandesal" so he could take his medicines, he shake his head, so i nodded. My mum is still crying, so i told her to stop and asked her to cook great food for lunch, then my pop in front of me took his LAST DEEP BREATH just before i even said thank you because he took care of me since i was little! That hurts! Then, i cried a river of lonesome and sorrow. It was awful. I was awful. My life is awful.

My pop did not even see me up the stage attaining the threshold of my mind's capability of dreaming, his grandchildren and the future life i could give him. IT WAS JUST FRUSTRATING AND UPSETTING! I did not maximize my purpose! I love him, enough to give up my whole life for him.

That was how that dream turned out, my fairytale was not as good as CINDERELLA'S, SNOW WHITE'S, AURORA'S OR BARBIE'S.

Nevertheless, it was a good awakening. A relay that before i even let go of him, i should have shown him what I GOT! And show the world what i could live for!

I WILL!

YES, I WILL!

I SWEAR!

YES, I SWEAR!

THE BUD

After that sounding heart's day, as they say a day of unconditional love, forgiveness, everlasting appreciation, candle lit dinner dates, red roses in an arrangement, bitter-sweet chocolates and cuddly bears, i saw a red rose's bud laying on the street, half-dead, its petals not tightly held together, the leaves from glowing green are dark and weak, the thorns are from the start scrape leaving scars and fresh wounds, not even a bug could see the beauty in it, NOT EVEN A BUG. But i did. I saw it and i remember, that bud made me not forgetful to ignore. That pathetic bud made me realize i am more pathetic, it awoke my heart from a long curse to not feel, it bears that magical spell to abort my capability to be numb, it widenned my horizon to see and to think, and above all, it showed me what love could moreover offer.

That bud is beautiful, well, it WAS. It was even an instrument for that guy to announce his love to the world for that lucky girl. But maybe, the girl of his dreams wouldn't want to be his dreams anymore, the girl avoided the love that the guy kept for a long time, that he saved courage to dictate, and offered through that bud. That makes it unhappy ending for the one who dedicates and the one who have been dedicated to. They both failed, they both cried and both been rejected and both sang the song of a broken heart.

LOVE IS JUST LOVE, IT IS NOT PERFECT AND IT COULD BE A FAILURE.

It may sound so unfair, indeed it is. It's unfair! That's just the way it goes. Not everyone could define happily ever after anyway. It's even more unfair how fate chooses people, how it chooses its victim.

Then, begin asking questions that torture the heart and disturb the mind every single second of almost everyday. Nobody knows, everything just happens in a snap or a wink.

Don't worry, there'll be a time to blow the water, a chance of some sort of a revenge. Vengeance is the mission and the key for self-satisfaction, and the good news is everyone gets the opportunity to stand up and show the world what it has been given up for the longest time. It will come, it should be in a perfect time. A TIME FOR THAT BUD TO BLOOM INTO A REAL ROSE.

:)

REIGN OVER ME

"i have always been fascinated by that, i mean curious because of what they say about it. That you can lose yourself, everything, all boundaries, all time, that two bodies can become so mixed up, that you don't know who's who and what's what and just with the sweet confusion so intense and you think you'll gonna die, you kinda do. Living you alone in your separate body with the one you love is still there, that's a miracle! You can go to heaven and come back alive, go back, anytime you want with the one you love."

(i just thought about this, but unfortunately i am not inspired enough to write something today. So i said, "don't worry, i'll get back to you!" have a good one! :) -21st of February

finally today, february 24 i think i can justify it.)

For some reasons everyone's a star when it comes to bringing this topic to everybody's attention in an informal or even formal conversation. But with an exception of me to that "everyone" word, cause i just stop, listen, observe, and keep quiet to their lime lights whenever they talk about it. What can i say anyway? I haven't experienced, i haven't felt, i haven't encountered YET. So i guess, the best way to stand for a friendly conversation as such is to take everybody's say about it and voice my confusions out.

I ask questions 'so, how'd you feel taking that position?', i say my comment on what they say 'gross!', and i'll laugh when i feel like laughing at the idea.

They say it's sweet, the feeling is just phenomenal, they even say once your there it's hard to go back to your reality, it's like a dreamland in a four-cornered tiny place, some even compare it to the garden of promises, some take it as their drugs, some are employed by it, eat by it and earn money from it.

I have once heard that if you started the act of doing it YOU JUST CAN'T STOP FOR SOME REASONS. That made me so afraid to try, because based on what and how they say it, it's more like of an ADDICTION. But it's my greatest fear not to even experienced what God has set up for me and for my body. *shrug* so what for an addiction? For as long as it's LEGAL and supported by black and white.

The truth is i haven't mentioned the exact word for it, but i am certain that everyone who has the chance to read, has read between the lines.

And you are right if you choose to believe i am talking about SEX or in the most rightful word for me -- MAKE LOVE.

THE MAN I FIRST LAID MY EYES ON

I admit that i have this "IDEAL GUY" image that i have perfected in my mind. Who i think of everyday, who i imagine to be my escort on my big day, and most of all, to whom i set the standard whenever i decide for a relationship. It might be something vain, but that's the way i assure my heart and i am being proud of it. Almost every morning to bring myself to sleep, i might need to be with this ideal guy to feel the security, and that way i could close my eyes and dream FURTHER. For some reasons, that's how i am, and no matter how i am sick of me, i am not sure if i could change given the circumstances. I am not a big fan of immature imaginations, most of the time, i get to be realistic when it comes to "HIM", and when it comes to my idea over his. That's how probably my friends get the mindset of me being PERFECTIONIST-IMPERFECT-MODERN-BITCH. Well, i can't blame SOME of them.Maybe i am, or maybe i just had enough to resist more of some random guys shortcomings. I have no more of this "playing safe" stuff, but somehow i need to be sure.I need to be sure i would not be like my mother. That has been married with all of this sacrifices over this man who has been sick for the longest time and who she's been madly in love with. I don't know how she could stand for it, but her love is a proof of an unconditional love over this man who happens to be my father, and i realized i feel the same way the day before yesterday.Well, it was a "SAME SHIT, in a DIFFERENT DAY" until i got home. I found him laying in his bed as usual, as a routine i would stay from where i stand to check perhaps if his chest still moves(i am not sure why, maybe because i would want to convince myself just even before going to bed that when i wake up, i still have him), but he looked differently. I changed clothes, sat beside the bed and looked at him for minutes, he looked back, his eyes swells, his skin changed color into pale, i felt a prick in my heart. I asked if he wants coffee, he just stared with those eyes full of pain, i asked where mom is, he did not say a word and expressed his pain through his facial capabilities that's when my tears fell and they were uncontrolable. Breathlessness covered my mouth, i covered my face and direct my self in my bed, i have to hold what i sounded like because i don't want him to hear. I cried, yes i did. That was my loudest, longest and the most hurtful cry, mom arrived and asked what'd those tears for, i said i don't know, all i know is my pop looks differently and i can't take it. She asked me if i could help her bring pop to his seat, i said i can't cause i don't think i still can draw near their bed.I cried my self to sleep, and i woke up with mom's voice after quarter of an hour, she shouts my name, i hate how it sounded that is why i stood right away.My uncle nurse arrived and came up with this words, "di ba eya mekapag-dialysis? Kaya ing dinat minukyat na buntuk kaya ena naka tamu kilala." my world fall apart having that note, MY FATHER WOULD NO LONGER RECOGNIZE ME?! That's the worst thing i have ever heard in my life, the father i have loved all my life will be dumb? I don't have a clue how i looked like when i scrutinized.We found ourselves with concern people at the hospital's door, crying, in deep pain with him and worried for the worst scene.After four hours, he has gone back to how he originally looks like, he looks sick but not worse than how i saw him after work that morning. He then started smiling again, but those are faked i know, then he started saying things about the people around him, that's how he is. Laboratory results revealed hypoglycemia, complications, kidney failure, anemia, what else?? I'm afraid i could not stress more how sick he is.He doesn't want to stay at the hospital so we brought him home, as we go on our way, i thought this man is the man who i first fell in love with, and that love is unconditional. It may not be as great as how mom loves him, but it is the greatest love a daughter could offer to his father i am pretty certain.He is irreplaceable, he is my one and only.I could not love a man more than i love him.IN GOD'S NAME, HE'LL BE FINE, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. HE WILL BE REDEEMED AND HE WILL BE FREED OF HIS SICKNESS AND PAIN. I think everyday's full of difficulties, every minute is a challenge and every second is tough, but in God's grace everyone's a refugee including NESTEA.I AM POSITIVE. YES, I AM

PORK CHAO FAN AND PORK TOFU

so i am having that breakfast in a not-so-fancy restaurant, and suddenly found myself being so mixed-up with the tone of the song they've played, then eventually got into analyzing the words in that music, i felt myself moved and had a sensational goose bumps.

"who am i that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name? who am i... yada yada yada..."

.. then i asked, "is this Your way of reminding me that i am taking you for granted?"

i changed whatever covered my mind, it's just strange that when i tried, the music just blew louder.

then i said, "ok, are you trying to blow the water on me? I AM GUILTY, YOU WON. i pray just whenever i remember and just whenever i am asked to do so, i don't read my bible anymore and spiders are reigning over it on my book shelve, when i wake up i go straight to hydrate myself and i don't take time to remember you, when i eat and that's what i do all the time (You know me, sure You do) i don't even thank You for whatever i am about to put in my mouth, i say bad words and i just don't mind, i think awful stuffs about my fellahs, and most of all, i have forgotten HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME. i am SORRY. i'll make it up, i wouldn't promise cause You taught me not to.I'LL JUST TO IT GOD.. I WILL"

i may not totally express my ample gratitude for everything, 'cause maybe i am not capable of such for i have a lot to be thankful of.

i remember, one evening before i have gone to work i prepared my self a meal to back me up for the whole night stress. i have one mixed-vegetable dish, fried fish, and one other fried dish that i don't remember the name but it is made of minute prawns that had been held together by flour and egg (and bread cramps? i guess). well, the dishes did not work well with my taste buds. the vegetable dish turned out to be overcooked for me, fish is a fish and i am not happy that those fish are made to be fish and just intended for frying, those round friend little prawns held tightly together are just too salty for me too resist -- it's like drinking water from the wide ocean floor. so, i stood up, make face that probably says "WTF am i eating?! it effin' does not taste good and i'm gonna bust everything out to trash bin!" and loudly said "eeh, makanyan ing pamangan ku!! enaku mamangan!!" well, i just woke up. out of shocked my father shouted, "nakang kayarti!! nanu nanaman wari ing buri mung kanan?!!!"

SILENCE.

i regret i even said something like that without even acknowledging that i am not deserving to any nice meal unless i say thank You every time i have something to ease my borgorygmus.

because the truth is, this folks below this note are starving, and i eat for pleasure.

i ended up, having take out rather than dine in. I LOSE MY  APPETITE! YES, I DID.

"ALL WE REALLY WANT IS LOVE'S CONFUSING JOY"

Everybody's big about love. It is something out of ordinary for some. Others see it as a hell of a nice universe next door. For young love, love is full of promise, full hope and just ignorant of reality. And; to some organize-patient dude, love can't be planned. On the other hand, to some people, love doesn't exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people. For some ladies and some gentlement, to love is to fix ALL the broken hearts. Man-haters or woman-haters say love gives acid reflux, and that's what love means. Wild say "my roommate just came home, would you like a threesome?" and that's how love supposed to be expressed. And, for me i guess, i'd say love is not hereditary, it is not contagious -- when your mom and dad, your grandmother and grandfather or your great grandma and great grandpa love each other so dearly doesn't mean you will love someone as great as the love your ancestors felt.

Love is not as cheesy as a kiss in the rain, or as rough as the tragic of Romeo and Juliet or Jack and Rose and not as happy ever after as with Cinderella and Prince Charming. Whatever you do for love is not significant, but doing them for love is no more important than anything else. Stupidity if turn back on something as important as love.

Love can't be rushed.

I found a story about a love..

He drop roses's petals at a random doorstep with a note saying: "SOMEBODY OUT THERE LOVES YOU." then they saw each other's eyes he asked: "will you marry me?" when she found out it's him she came up with this words: "when you ask a girl to marry you, do you want her to just consider it? Or do you want her just to know?"

He went to a far away place no one knows, coincidence he got seat partnered with some another ordinary girl who wears that uniform which brings his curiousity, he asked "two bars is a lieutenant?" "two bars is a captain." she answered. Later, she gave him this words that he might consider sweet, tough and blunt: "i can read you. It's a part of my training, everyone gives subtle hints. Hints like giveaway. You boarded the plane wearing a suit but no wedding ring. Serious, but not committed. You let a stranger sleep on your shoulder. Kindness, but also feels good to be needed. The heart-shaped candy, another giveaway. Either you have a problem with sugar, which based on the syrup you put on your pancake this morning, i wouldn't think so. Or you have a problem with candy in the shape of a heart. Which means you might have a problem with romance and things pertaining to love in particular." astonished he answered: "not bad."

they smiled at each other but that doesn't mean they ended up falling in love on the airplane. They set apart with farewell words from him: "you will not lose your finger prints by touching other's life. So don't be afraid if i say, you touched mine." she rendered her sweetest smile and replied, "i knew that, do not dilly-dolly, find her and grab her!" he was left blank but searching words to say, when he went back to his reality she's gone, he told himself "i don't dilly-dolly, i only oopsy-daisy."

and that makes up my non-sense story about love. Well, WHACK THE HEART FOR ME!

I've seen the enemy, and the enemy is me. Unfortunately, the truth makes everything else seem like a lie. Thus, i have perfectly adequate reasons to tell myself i lied when i said "I DON'T WANT LOVE." because all i really want is love's confusing joy.

WHAT DO THEY SAY ABOUT PATIENCE?

I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire

Yeah I would have a show like Oprah
I would be the host of, everyday Christmas
Give Travie a wish list
I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
And last but not least grant somebody their last wish
Its been a couple months since I’ve single so
You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho
Get it, hehe, I’d probably visit where Katrina hit
And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did
Yeah can’t forget about me stupid
Everywhere I go Imma have my own theme music

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire

I’ll be playing basketball with the President
Dunking on his delegates
Then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette
Toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it
But keep the fives, twentys (?) completely separate
And yeah I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket
We in recession but let me take a crack at it
I’ll probably take whatevers left and just split it up
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
Eating good sleeping soundly
I know we all have a similar dream
Go in your pocket pull out your wallet
And put it in the air and sing

I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad!
I am pretty certain that everybody gets the tune. It's Billionaire by Bruno Mars (half Filipino) and Travie McCoy which had its way to top since day one on the music chart of the Philippines and the world. these two guys are i believe not as big before they had the Billionaire and they've took our hearts after that.

why?

maybe because we like the tune and the style and the genre of the song.

or we like the singers.

or perhaps, we all can RELATE of what the song's implying.

early this morning i have read a post from my suth colleague that goes like this,"Andrea Sibal: i wanna be a billionaire so freakin bad..buying all the things i never had..( wen will this be..huh..so tiring to wait..)"

she got tired of waiting for the "time".

i got it, it is never easy to wait for something that you badly wanted, when everything does not make sense except the fact that you can dream about it for now. and dreaming doesn't bring any contentment, it would instead make that eagerness live an immortal life and we end up being frustrated because we fail to have the right attitude -- PATIENCE. 

we heard it a million times before PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. but the truth is, we never really knew the essence.

yes, it will take time, but did anybody realize that that time of wait will be paid of? or did anybody do the right thing while waiting in line?

in the perspective of a 20 year-old girl or 7,319 day-old young lady or 175, 656 hour-old lady or 10,539,360 minute-old young woman or 632,361,600 second-old woman as of 7:14 am of the 29th of January, 2011 -- IT IS NEVER TOO LATE, no matter how many digits you have in your age. we can still make up for that goal.

in that note, we have to do something rather than skulking around and just WAITING. we have to remember that we have to do something to be SELF-MADE. it doesn't necessarily mean we have to work to death, but at least, MOVE AN ASS!

finally, there's just a fine difference between an intelligent and determined, and more often that not the second over-powers the first. at the end of the day, it would still be not what's on your mind but what is in your HEART. never treat yourself an inferior, rather, believe that no matter what happen your shortcomings don't define you as a person and as a winner. Rene Descarte once have said "I THINK, THEREFORE I AM", so if we think we can, then, we have to do it!

so, THREE things, and they are:

• BE PATIENT
• MOVE AN ASS
• IF YOU THINK YOU CAN, DO IT!

:)

GINISA MIX

Napatayo ako sa kama dahil naamoy ko ang ginigisa nyang bawang at sibuyas, mag-aalas dose na pala, bigla kong naalala ang gutom ko.

Naglakad ako papuntang kusina at nasumpungan ko ang pinto, nasilayan ko sya habang hawak ang kutsilyo sa kanan at kamatis sa kabila.

Di na sya katulad ng dati, nagbgo na ang itsura nya. Tumatanda na, pumuputi ang buhok, unti-unti na ding kumukulubot ang balat, lumalabo ang mata at numinipis ang mga hibla ng kilay nya.

Matagal ko syang pinagmasdan, mula ulo hanggang talampakan. Pati ang suot nyang damit, pati ang kilos ng mga mata at mga kamay. Di nya napansin ang presensya ko, "oo nga pala, malabo na kasi ang mata nya" naibulong ko.

Ramdam ko ang gigil sa bawat pagdampi ng kutsilyong stainless sa kawawang kamatis, dinig na dinig ko din ang pagtama niyon sa sangkalang pinaluma na ng panahon, at ang pagsaliw ng tunog ng ginigisang bawang at sibuyas. Umaalingasaw ang amoy na yun, sumisiksik sa ilong, pero masarap sa pakiramdam at sa kumukulo kong tyan.

Sa tantya ko, kauuwi nya lang galing trabaho, tapos nagluto sya agad, samantalang ako, kagigising lang at pupungas-pungas pa. Naghihintay lang na maluto iyon para makakain na. Bagaman ganoon, di sya nagrereklamo. Ni wala akong narinig na kesyo pagod sya, o masakit ang rayuma nya o di kaya gutom na gutom na sya.

Nahagis ang paningin ko sa gawing kanan, napatingin ako at napangiti ng makita ko ang lata ng hokkaido. Sinunod nya ang timpla ng panlasa ko, di sya nagprito ng longganisa o ng hotdog, sardinas! Kay saya at gaan ng pakiramdam, dininig nya ako. Di ganun kasarap ang sardinas, pero alam kong mapapasabak ako sa kainan dahil madalang lang naman yun ang nakahain sa mesahan, ternuhan pa ng umuusok na kanin.

San tambak pa pala ang maruruming pinggan na nagamit kagabi, "hay!" buntong-hininga ko iyon sa sarili ko, ano ba naman ako?!

Walang ginawa kahit ano!

"boy! Boy! Boy!"

napukaw ako ng tawag na yun, may luha sa mata ng taong pinanggagalingan ng tinig. Naiwan ko palang bukas ang TV at ang electric fan, si Roberta kilala sya bilang mumay. Naihip nanaman ng hangin ang pag-iisip ko, napakasat ulit sa kama at nanuod, may mga pagkakataon pa ngang wari'y tinatawag ako ng unan ko "HALIKA, HUMIGA KANA. PARANG MASARAP MATULOG ULI." tukso. Di ko mahimay ang mga tumatakbo sa kukote ko, biglang sumakit ang bumbunan ko at natuktok nalang sa panunuod.

Madalang lang ang masaya, puro malulungkot yata.

Pagkatapos nun, naibalik sa tyan ko ang atensyon ko. Byernes na bukas, may napag-usapan na kaming gagawin ni mama at paniguradong magiging masaya yon. Sa sabado, manunuod kame ng sine, pero di ko pa alam kung ano. Sa ganoong paraan man lang ay makabawi ako.

Gusto ko din sanang magpamasahe kaming dalawa. Para naman matanggal ang sakit ng kalamanan nya, at ang mga lamig sa katawan nya.

Magiging maayos din ang lahat, mawawalan din ng bulok na laman ang isip ko. Magiging masaya din ako, kame, at tayong lahat.

Nuod tayo ng sine sa sabado, anu bang magandang palabas? Yung di pambata at di din naman pang matanda.

Bumukas ang pinto, "mangan tana." si mama, anu ba yan lalung lumalalim ang guilt ko! Pero ansarap ng tinig nya sa pandinig ko, MUSIKA! At wala ng makakarevive pa. :)

i ♥ u mama ko!

SAYD TRIP

"bayad pu. Pakisuyo."

"metung."

"ita pung sukli keng beynti."

"para!"

"sh*t limpas naku, KALAWOT!"

pamilyar?

Nasabi mo naman na siguro kahit isa dyan, ano?

Dyip.

Oo, sa dyip.

Sa dyip maraming kwento, may tawanan, tsismisan, pagtatalunan, alaskahan at meron ding nkikitawa lang, nkikitsismis at nakikitalo, nakikialaska na din.

Madalas akong bumyahe mag-isa, kaya palagay ko isa rin ako sa mga 'nakiki'.

Wala lang.

Nasabi ko lang.

Di ako sigurado kung interesting 'to.

Pero sigurado akong may mararating ako sa pagsakay ng dyip.

Halos araw-araw naman akong sumasakay, paroo't parito, pauwi't papuntang trabaho, pano naman kase syete lang 4 kilometers na! O, di ba? ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES.

Marami ding sinasabi ang dyip sa kung anung klase ng tao ang mga PILIPINO at kung paanung pamumuhay at kultura ang meron sa PILIPINAS.

Korni?

Alam ko.

Pake mo? :Þ

kung di mo pa alam, sa dyip nag-umpisa ang konsepto ng bayanihan.

Sa bawat 'bayad po' alam mo nang mayroong kamay na mag-aabot sa bayad mo (kung di mo abot ang driver), pati na rin sa sukle syempre.

Madami kang dala? Madali lang sumakay sa dyip kahit alam mong kandakuba ka pag sasakay, kase di kaylangang magbuhat, may hihila sa bayong kung san mo man nais maumupo.

May magsesecond the motion din sa 'para' mo kung sakaling bingi si manong.

Sa dyip, bilang disadvantage, walang aircon, masikip at langhap mo lahat ng alikabok, mababasa ka din kung biglang uulan at di prepared si manong.

Pero mas badtrip kung may kasakay kang emoterang chaka na nag-iinarte pa! Yun bang tipong iisnabin lang yung pangangawit ng braso mo sa pag-abot ng bayad mo? Panu naman yung mga tipong kakasakay mo lang at sya kanina pa, umupo ka sa malayo sa driver at pagkaupo mo pinapaabot ang bayad nya?(sarap dikdikin).

Eto pa, katabi mo panay tingin sayo mula taas pababa (vice versa) taz magtatakip ng ilong! Ganda nya, my D&G PERFUME ba sya? Ako meron! Mukha lang naman syang paa at walang pang fashion statement!

Lastly, dalawang impakta sa harapan mo na magbubulungan at titingin sa'yo at pagkatapos magtatawanan! Kung di ko pa alam na malakas ang loob nilang mgshorts, puno naman ng kurikong at galis!


Last na tlga toh. Anu namang mararamdaman mo kung kalahating pwit lang nkaupo sayo at makikita mong kumportableng kumportable si ale na sided pa ang pag-upo. At pagkasabi mong 'pwede pong pausog?' ng nakasmile eh sisimangutan ka pa! Kapal ng face mula angeles hanggang CSFP.

Asar factor!

Ang mas malupit pa dyan, mga mukhang iguana lang ang gumagawa ng mga bagay na nakakaasar sa dyip!

SUGGESTIONS:

-wag ipractice yang mga bagay na yan kung ayaw mong magmukhang iguana.
-kung ayaw mong mag-abot ng bayad, maglakad ka na lang!
-kung driver ka, NAKAKAHIYA NAMAN SA'YO KUNG WALA KANG BARYA!
-guys, masikip! Sana naman give way to oldies, kahit wag na sa mga girls.

Yun na, pero may kwento ako. Yung iba sa inyo alam na to. Sa pagkakaalam ko nangyari to sa dyip.

May prof ako dati (sa accounting), madalang lang mgbiro pati magsalita ng out of the topic. Matalino. Yun. One day, we don't have much left to do and we still have time for something, nagkwento si SIR, the story exactly goes like this:

SIR: minsan sa buhay mo, may mga pagkakataong di mo mamamalayang nagmumukha kang tanga.
KAME: ???
SIR: kasi nung minsan may experience ako sa DYIP, pauwi ako ng Tarlac nun. Nagkukwentuhan sila, nakinig naman ako. Isang araw daw may isang kawal na nagkasala sa kaharian. Sabi ng hari, 'anung gusto mong kaparusahan, magpalapa sa leon o magpapasok ng bubuyog sa tenga mo't lalabas sa kabila?', natawa ang kawal sa loob-loob niya at nasabing 'magpapasok nalang po ng bubuyog sa tenga kamahalan.' di sya nakitaan ng anu mang takot. 'yun ba ang gusto mo? Mainam. Mga kawal, PALABASIN SI JOLLIBEE!' ang sabi ng hari. Nagtawanan sila, nakitawa naman ako kahit di ko sila kilala!
Kame: ahh.. Joke?
Sir: (pinatay ang mga ilaw at lumabas)

korni ulet!

Isa pa.

Troy: (seryoso 'to) nung papunta ako kanina dito nakasakay ako sa DYIP, SOBRANG BAHO. Amoy patay na daga o higit pa dun. May matanda sa likod ng driver, mukhang tindera at may dalang timba. Nagtakip ako ng ilong, tapos may sumakay na babae instinct na nagtakip din sya ng ilong na parang maduduwal na. Mayamaya, tinanong nya yung matanda, 'ano po yan?', 'baket? Bibili ka?' sagot ng matanda. Di na nakayanan ng babae at nagpara sya. Nagulat ang driver at biglang nagpreno! Natumba yung timba.
Kim: (silence)
troy: natumba ang timba!
Kim: anung laman?
Troy: baket? Bibili ka?
Kim: bwahahahaha

ayun.

"KATAS NG SAUDI", masarap sakyan yan! Sakay na!

6 a.am of ALMOST everyday

Every morning when i'm off from work i promised that i would treat my self a walk in the park as a part of my routine.

At first, i was just giving my physical body an exercise after long hours of just hanging around with my workmates, clicking my mouse, talking and listening.

As days past by, i just realized that while i walk, i'm giving myself a mental therapy as well.

I'm having the chance of reflecting on my random thoughts, reviewing what has transpired on my day, and, listening to my world and not anybody else's.

Whenever i do, i wouldn't put my earphones on.

Why?

Because i feel better tuning in to my favorite station that plays my favorite song over and over.. LIFE FM.

I do not look down as well, and most of the time, i just look at the horizon and enjoy that view..

As i tell myself,

God put a bright orange morning sun for me to appreciate, He put those graceful trees around to freshen me up and encourage some folks to jog so i have one or two to give my smiles to.

Observe

Criticize sometimes.

Judge.

Those are fews things i do.

But then, this morning is different.

I seek love amongst the people towards each other.

I found some, but apparently weren't satisfying.

- a daughter who plays badminton with her father who's on my estimation his early sixty. The daughter would laugh at him whenever he misses a shot, and instead of getting piss, he would just laugh at the laugh. It was SWEET seing them laughing at each other.

-the basketball coach who inspires his players rather than breathin' on their necks.

-a Filipina who passionately wipes her foreign husband's sweat in the middle of his run.

-that german shepherd who religiously followed its lord's instruction to stay at one point then at a signal would run to the other point.

WHERE'S THE LOVE?

-a mad man, in his weary clothing, shoulder-length ungroomed hair, struggling to his thoughts and shouting the name 'marlyn' with his tears flowing continously while he's harshly grasping his stomach, would at times sit uneasily, walk then find a trash can to look for food in case it's his lucky day.

-crued oil price hike, do i need to explain? We all know that is equal to saying fare hike, commodity price hike, and a whole lot of HIKE's!

-worse, i didn't do anything!

Crap! my today's 6a.m.'s makin' me GUILTY. :(

(written: january 20, 2011)

CRAZY I'M IN LOVE

Dear You,

lately, i've been wondering what part of my brain you have messed up, that i am being captured with every single detail of my thought about you. Everything's just surreal that i don't want to stop thinking about it, and it's just.. just.. INCREDIBLY ROMANTIC, so, so, so i just can't stop!

You're sensation every moment is phenomenal.

This is i think very unfortunate for me 'cause i don't get anything in return, even a smile or 'hi'. You just unfortunately again looked at me blankly and say nothing!

I know i'm better off, but it ain't easy. In fact, it would've been the hardest thing i could ever do these days.

I know i'm not in love. It's just a part of me being quirky and flirty. But you know, uhm, everytime someone ask me 'a penny from your thought?', you certainly are my penny.

I am also sure that one day this feeling would eventually subside, as much as i am sure that it wouldn't be sooner or later, i need time for no one's sake!

But, you know what? You're pissing me off! Why wouldn't you stop reminding me that i like you?! That everyday's a good one when you're around? That every 'see you tomorrow!' means 'i will miss you'? Can you just stop before 'i like you' turns to 'i love you'? PLEASE!

I don't really mean that, what i mean is apparently,

'look, i guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But i also guarantee that if i don't ask you to be mine, i'll regret it the rest of my life 'cause i know in my heart, you're the only one for me!'

doesn't that makes sense to you?

Someone right here's waiting, and someone right here wanted you so much.

I'm rediculous, i know. But i wouldn't be this way if not for you, put that in mind though you don't know who actually you are to me.

Every single day would mean different as the past if and only if i have you.

I said what i wanted, just go ahead and say yours.

Take care my dear.

Love,
kim 

FORGETTING THE US

WAITING is painful. FORGETTING is painful. But do you know what's worse? -- IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH TO DO.

You know what pain could be and how it may affect you and your life. How about the cliche, 'prevention is better than cure'?

How about when it's too late to prevent it?

You get advices like..
move on!
go on with your life.
he's just another random guy, you can get another one!
That guy isn't worth it.
He's easy, c'mon!
That's ok, cheer up!
You can do it!

Don't they just realize how frustrating for you to know that something hard for you wouldn't be for them? And, things they say make you feel you're the weakest link? Or, they aren't just in the right position to sought advices to?

Letter C.

Things are easier said than done.

(i won't argue on the last statement)

in cases of such (when you don't know if you'll wait or forget), you tend failing to define the meaning of PRIORITIZE; you forget about your mind, your heart, and sometimes, yourself; you cling into your ego more often than not; worse, you decide out of circumstances which you have failed to see that are apparent wouldn't work!

You suddenly are DUMB when something's wrong with your emotions, and it just oftentimes would ruin you as a person.

You're stock in despair and continously torturing yourself with a useless question, 'have i taken the right choice?'

then, when you realize it could be wrong (but you weren't sure), you change it! Worse comes to worst, you take it as a CYCLE!

So, in short, you're missing to place the DOT!

ILLOGICAL.

OUT OF CONTROL.

TERRIFYING.

REDICULOUS.

But, you fail to see 'em!

What should you do that you've failed to do in the first place?

1. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF. Reflect. Ask yourself all the why's you've got. Remember that YOU understand yourself more than any one else.

2. WEIGH. Give every small detail a shot. Write notes as what you have already decided what would be EFFECTIVE for you, and what would be NOT.

3. DECIDE AND STICK TO IT. Don't let anyone decide for you! More than anyone, YOU ARE THE MOST RESPONSIBLE PERSON FOR YOURSELF. But never depend solely on your mind, your heart or your ego -- they work best as a team, believe me. You have number 2 as a basis.

Once you have taken the decision, forget all the other choices forever. Make yourself believe that what you have would work the BEST. Do not change just that, or else you'll be back to zero.

4. COMMUNICATE THE PAIN. Cry. Find a shoulder to lean on, but don't make yourself too comfortable to the extent of being dependent to that shoulder. Say the words you've been wanted to tell that person who caused you pain. Don't restrict your capability to be HEARD and FELT!

5. GIVE IT TIME. 'time heals all wounds', it may be the least effective cliche, BUT IT WOULD STILL WORK ANYWAY. Patience would lead you to something you just didn't expect and imagine.

6. STAND FOR IT. Without this, nothing makes sense.

7. SPREAD. If it's your turn to give an advice to someone you once be, take your EXPERIENCES. They're your best TEACHERS.

If you folks happened to read over, and you don't just believe what i have wrote, i can't blame you.

Thanks,
kim :)

CRAVE FOR A PERFECT LOVE STORY

Ladies just love daydreaming, fancy fantasies, and exagerated 'happily ever after'.

More often than not, a typical asian girl (16 of age) would imagine of her love 'turned to be', and would set standard of her love story 'should be'. It's her weakness just to do that whenever she sees the ceiling while lying on her bed.

Im no 16, but i still do.. Just more mature, more expensive and more achievable.

Before: i was sleeping beauty who waits for her true love's kiss to wake her up from the curse of the black witch who thought was not invited to her celebration.
Now: i'm a woman who expects her date to gently pull her in front of her door way to insist 90% of the kiss, and 10% would be left for her prerogative. Then, after that kiss just before they say good-bye, her man would pull her towards him again (less gentle) and would take the 100% of the move for another kiss.

Before: i was a girl who was locked on the highest floor of a tower by her wicked step mother. was crying day and night, until one day, her prince charming riding on white horse, came running and soar her sword to save her from the wrath.
Now: i am the same old princess who's being locked by her father and wouldn't allow her for a date to anyone. And her prince, riding in his white car would harden his heart and strengthen himself not to be afraid to ask permission to that man who holds a gun.

Before: i'm cinderella who's being abused by her wicked step sisters, who was not invited to a prince's ball but was helped by her fairy godmother, danced with the prince, came 12 o'clock hurried to move out the ball, accidently left the pair of her glass shoes, and was found by the prince by the other pair.
Now: i'm everyone's antagonist. Abuses her sister and her cousins. Was warned by the guidance counselor of the school for being the greatest bully. Was once left wasted, but her prince still takes her home, put her to bed, gave her sponge bath with respect, and, prepared her soup and toast breakfast to ease hang-over.

Before: i was juliet. Who was greatly inlove with a gatecrasher romeo (who turned out to be the last person her family would choose to be her love forever) to a masquerade ball. Was poisoined thought romeo so he decides to die, was awaken, saw romeo on his death, took his dagger and killed herself.
Now: a lady so in love with her guy who'd sleep on his chest as he gently massages her head and rubs her hair with the greatest passion. Who'd take care of her man when he's sick, wouldn't leave him alone, embrace his shiver away, and, would be at the hospital over night (in case, just in case). And when her man's turned well, THE REST IS HISTORY. (lol)

Before: a woman had her wedding day in the woods beside a water fall with her prince charming together with the whole family and dwarf friends, the birds and the animals in the forest.
Now: a woman who gets engaged in a classy corporate party with her boyfriend who turned out to be her boss with everyone's watching when he knelt down and said 'will you marry?'. Gets wed on the roof top of concorde hotel in baguio city, with all her families and friends around, took a hellicopter ride to Paris just after 'you may kiss the bride' for the honeymoon, and have her husband carry her whole weight to the penthouse of the hotel in front of eifel tower.

Before: she caught her husband having another woman, cursed him, had separated with him and the husband after some time beg her for second chance in the mall where he knelt and cried, and promised not to do it again.
Now: her husband was set up by a rival to have another woman, she fell down with tears, her husband explained but she did not believe. She insisted separation. Her husband couldn't take it, courted her again, has been hurt cause his rival is hangin' out with her, has talked to the girl to whom he was set up to win her back, then won her back after a lot of evidences shown.

Before: she had 6 kids they were so happy. She is delighted to have her family with healthy kids and wonderful husband.
Now: she had 3 kids (2boys and a girl), 1 wants to be a doctor, the other wants to be a lawyer, her girl wants to be married with a prince in europe. She's happy to have 3 ambitious kids and a wonderfully faithful husband who has been with her till her last breath.

And, THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

I know it's lame, but it's my imaginations, right? You're just having a share of it.

:D

THE LITTLE TRAVELER

This morning, i have a very important lesson from a person i least expected -- and that i even don't know in the first place.

Yes, i have been riding in a jeepney with him couple of times now, but that just ain't enough to know why his grandmother let him travel by himself.

He cought my attention today as he says, "para!" on the same street where i supposed to say the same as well.

I had a conversation with him long enough to understand his whole life.

And the conversation goes..

Kim(k): keni sabe kata.
Boy(b): (just looked blankly)
k: sabay tayo. (bent slightly and rubbed his back gently)
b: (smiled and frenzied)
k: bat ka pinapabayaan mag-isa ng lola mo?
B: (no word, just playing on his apple-green toy car)

k: san pupunta lola mo nun?
B: magtatrabaho po.
k: ahh, san ka pupunta nyan?
B: dire-diretso lang po.
K: malayo?
B: (nodded)
k: sino ba pupuntahan mo?
B: si mama ko po.
K: ahh, bat di ka nakatira sa mama mo?
B: ayaw ko don.
K: baket?
B: kase yung lalaking si boy neg.
K: asawa yun ni mama mo?
B: opo. (without even looking bitter about it)
K: pinapalo ka?
B: opo. (there was some sort of a change in his facial expression)
k: bakit daw?
B: (silence)
k: may anak na sila ni mama mo?
B: opo. (there was a glow)
k: ilan?
B: (signed two using his fingers)
k: mas bata sayo?
B: (short pause) mas maliit pa saken yun.
K: ("yeah, i forgot the language of a child." i said to myself) san kayo nakatira?
B: sa may sandra. Ai, sa SUNRISE STREET.
K: susunduin ka ni lola mo dito?
B: opo. Dun kila mama.
K: pano kung di ka sinundo? Marunong kang umuwi mag-isa sa sunrise street?
B: opo, magjijeep pa ko.
K: magbabayad ka pa ng seven.
B: (bragged me his money of six 5 peso coins and four 1 peso with a grin on his face.)
K: ai, andame. ang galing mo naman. (smiled widely) ilang taon kana ba?
B: six.
K: nag-aaral kana?
B: opo.
K: anung grade mo na?
B: one.
K: marunong kana magbasa?
B: opo, sa school.
K: sino nagturo sayo? Si lola mo?
B: (silence)
k: san ka nag-aaral?
B: cutcut.
K: mag-isa ka lang pumupunta sa school?
B: inahatid nalang ako ni lola.

k: edi pag sabado ka lang nandito?
B: opo.
k: malayo talaga bahay ni mama mo?
B: dire-diretso tas dun sa may..may..may.. (he forgot the next words) Ikaw din dire-diretso?
K: oo, taz liliko sa may blue na gate.
B: ahh, yung ganyan? (pointed on a earth green gate)
k: oo, pero ganun yung kulay. (pointed on a lower part of an electric post in blue)
b: (walked near the post) ahh, ganito? (gently and haughty kicked it)
k: (nodded) kasama mo si papa mo sa bahay?
B: hindi.
K: san sya?
B: sa marisol.
K: kayong dalawa lang ni lola mo sa bahay?
B: opo.
K: wala kang lolo?
B: meron. Nasa marisol, tinaga nya nga yung bahay eh.
K: baket?
B: kase dumating na pala yung totoong may-are.
K: ahh, di naman pala sa kanya yung bahay?
B: (nodded)
k: ano nga pala pangalan mo?
B: kevin.
K: ahh, kevin. Ako si kim.
B: atsaka cachaneg.
K: huh?
B: CACHANEG! (or something that sounded like that.)
k: Cachaneg yung apelyido mo?
B: (smiled)
k: (smiled back) ayan na bahay ko. (pointed the blue gate)
b: (smiled, then nodded)
k: (gently massaged kevin's head) bye-bye.
B: (raised his had shoulder level)

kevin's indeed a wonderful person i could choose to converse with everyday. He showed me my life the way i should see it, how fortunate i am to have it, and how fool i can be not to appreciate.

He expresses himself in the least emotion he can give and in the manner that i would understand.

Honestly, i have already forgotten the way a child does things until this morning, and i was reminded how to live like a child AGAIN.

A child that wouldn't show the bitterness of an incomplete family and the boredom of his saturday life.

A child who never sees the world as an adult turning 20 in 40 hours would see it.

A child who uses his old green toy to have his imaginations come to reality, and who looks contented with no fancy toy car.

A child who faces the sun with the utmost power that his eyes can resist, as how he faces his unfair life.

A child who travels his weekend to his mom who just carried him for three quarters of a year and gave him away to his grandma without hatred in his heart at all.

He thought me a lesson, that is..

TO VIEW THINGS SWEETER AS THEY MAY SEEM SO.

DEAR Kevin,

where ever your life's pilgrimage may bring you, i wish you GOOD AND HAPPY JOURNEY AS YOU BECOME A BIGGER TRAVELER.


Do not stop having conversation with an empty soul like mine just before we've met. Most of all, stay sweet and give a lot of those innocent smiles with a stranger like me, cause that might be the only lovely thing they would see that day.

Keep that child playing on your heart even when you grow taller and smarter than i could ever be. KEEP INSPIRING.

I'll pray for you, and i'll remember you always for i have wrote you in my heart.

Take care and thank you!

Love,
ate kim

WHAT MAKES YOU FATTER THESE DAYS?

(this was written 5th of January, 2011)

Oh, what a question from YOU (of all the people)?! Eff you! and heck do you care about figure?!

Yep, i'm fatter and i don't care. If you care enough, then why don't you do what you are about to say for yourself?

Do you have a mirror?

Have you seen yourself lately?

How do you look?

How many more inches do your measuring tape needs for your waist?

Would you still be able to wear your suspenders without offending anyone?

WHAT MAKES YOU FATTER THESE DAYS (then)?

1. WHOLE GRAIN OAT COOKIES ARE BAD COOKIES. You know why? 'coz after you have swallowed the first, you still crave for more! Some will say, "they don't contain fats anyway.", well review what you have learned when you've been thought how to read: 1/3 Less Fat* (so, where the hell 2/3 has gone?). I have a pack of 6 pieces times 3 cookies, equals 18 cookies times 1.4g of fat equals 252 GRAMS! For crying out loud, that is my 5 thighs of fried chicken!

2. NOVEMBER TO FEBRUARY IS YOUR WEATHER. Freezin' cold from dust to dawn, no burnin' sun light, no EFFin' sweat to sweat your excess fats away!

3. THE SINFUL BED. when you're cold, you buy more time to be with your cuddler tempting bed. It just seduces you; and your parents wouldn't wake you up since they know that you're responsible with your TIME-MANAGEMENT (well, mum, dad, NOT ANYMORE! I USED TO BE, BUT, I AM CHANGED, SO.. WAKE ME UP!). Unfortunately, sleeping would give you plus inch everywhere.

4. YOUR DREAM JOB. Yes, you've gone up to bed and even on your way to your office. Well, you're getting paid by listening to your half naked trainer talking vain and vague, while having a sip of your coffee and bite of your favorite RAISIN COOKIE (i <3 my JOB)! Indeed, attention and a little thinking is required (for the first 3 hours). After lunch break at 3am, how'd you think you would feel? You have heavier eye lids, protesting stomach, foamed-comfortable-slouchy office's chairs, dead seatmates, will you survive? The dream job is another fat thickenner!

5. SCIENCE. Remember METABOLISM? Well, i do. It's how your body systems function - (a verb). Normal digestion of food intake would be an average of 3 hours, if you don't move your a**, it could have been longer. So, who would move an a** one very cold morning of january when all still snores? Would you jog? Hell no!

6. PERFECT MUM. Who wouldn't let you do chores, who would prepare your DVD's for marathon, who would get your warm bath ready, who would even scratch your back if you feel the itch, who would give you hard-soothing-relaxing oil masage, who would shut your neighbors up because you need sleep for you are tired from YOUR DREAM JOB, and, who would cook your favorite food if you feel like eating 'em (just say the magic words).

7. YOUR HANDY FB. You don't have to exert an effort on sitting in front of your computer because your FACEBOOK is on your palm and you can surf layin' on your bed. Well, i'm sure you know what.

8. NOT ENROLLED. Thinking would burn you more calories than push ups. So, if you drop school, that's less thinking equals burn no more calories (and you don't do push ups either)! Plus stress with exams, quizzes, term papers, projects, etc gives you a hint for diet, where's school now?

9. DOUBLE PAY. Safe to say you have 2 days of double pay for holidays but you have a total of 6 celebration (24, 25, 26, 31, 1, 2) for it plus 4 consecutive Christmas parties and 2 family reunions (hella lot of food!) equals fat arse!

10. YOU DON'T PLAY FINDER'S KEEPERS. So you keep your chocolate gifts for yourself and find your sister's then eat 'em when no one's watching! (why would i give mine away if they have gifts of their own?)

if you've been hit, well, it's for you!

But, this is for the lady in red in front of me while i put on my make up. ;D

r: SEXY!
k: yes? *wink*
r: DREAM ON!
k: fine! >.<

Being sexy is not only measured by your vital statistic, being able to attract people of opposite sex is a clear evidence.

Furthermore, in case you don't consider yourself sexy, INSECURITY wouldn't find your way out! It could even worsen the crossroads! And, if you wish to be sexy or slimmer, BE CAREFUL. As the line of the song goes:

'be careful what you wish,
cause you might get it!' (or something that sounds like that)

thanks,
-kim

P.S. This is for myself! No offense. PAX! ;)

USAPANG SEX

Inspired akong mgsulat sa sariling wika ko (napaparami na kasi yung mga taong ayaw sa pag-iingles ko). Tama nga naman, 'mahalin mo, ang wika mo.' (s---t, ang korni!).

Pero, anu namang isusulat ko?

Tungkol sa buhay? Parang wala ako sa mood eh.

Hmm, tungkol na lang kaya sa love? Nyay, wala na yata akong alam dyan. Nakalimutan ko na yatang pag-usapan ang love (ay, pag-ibig pala, parang Grazilda lang). Kasi naman matagal-tagal na din yun.

Hay, anu na lang kaya?

SEX? Sigurado maraming interesado.

Pero bakit sa biodata o sa facebook pag tinanong ka ng SEX, ang sagot ay..

MALE OR FEMALE

hindi ba dapat..

PRO OR NON-PRO (parang driver's license)

o di kaya naman..

EXP OR NON-EXP (experienced or non-experienced)

pwede ring..

V OR NOT ANYMORE (alam mo na siguro meaning nyan)

E kung m o f pala ang choices, sana GENDER na lang tinanong nila. Sa US (United States) ba ganun din? Di ko alam eh.

Malamang oo, pwede ring hindi.

Nakakalito.

Bakit iba-iba pa kasi ang mga tao sa mundo? Iba-iba tuloy ang lenggwahe, pati kulay, estado sa buhay, at kung anu-ano pa.

May puti, may itim, merong nasa gitna.

May mayaman, may mahirap, may may-kaya, may dukha, may kapus palad.

Meron ding swerte, meron ding malas, meron pa ngang di naniniwala sa swerte't malas eh (tulad ko).

May masaya, may malungkot, may mga taong 'ok' lang (nasa kategoryang sakto lang).

May may mga kasama, may nag-iisa.

Meron ding mapagmahal, merong matapobre.

May jejemon at merong bekimon.

Pero naisip ko, sa dinamirami ng klase ng mga tao sa mundo, bakit AKO AY AKO? IKAW AY IKAW? AT, TAYO AY TAYO? (wala pang nakakaalam)

Di ko naman pinlanong maging ako, at sa mga ibang pagkakataon pa nga di ko ginusto. Pero ganun talaga yata, balang araw malalaman din natin kung bakit.

Lahat ng tanong masasagot.

Pati kung bakit tatlo lang daliri ni kokey.

Bang!

Balik tayo sa iba-ibang tao.

Isipin nalang natin kung pare-pareho tayo mag-isip, manamit, ng mukha, ng buhok, ng estado sa buhay, ng pananalita at ng pamumuhay: di ba boring (di ko alam tagalugin) yung ganun? Kaya siguro iba-iba tayong ginawa.

Masaya naman pag ganito, di ba?

Oo, may panahon ding malungkot o di kaya wala sa mood, madalang lang naman yun. Mas madalas na nakangiti o tumatawa (pwera na lang kung EMO ka).

May tanong ako.

Kung papayagan kang magpalit ng buhay at ng sarili, would you grab the chance? (di ko ulit alam tagalugin na di masagwang pakinggan)

ako? Siguro. Depende, kung babalik din ako sa sarili ko, bakit hindi?

Day1: gusto kong maging si Anna Scott (Julia Roberts) favorite ko kasi yung naging ending ng buhay nya kasama si William Thacker (Hugh Grant), simple pero masayang masaya.

Day2: si Ellen Degeneres. Alam ko tibo sya, pero no one has the humor like she has (kahit si Oprah Winfrey pa or Tyra Banks).

Day3: Kris Aquino. Rare are those who like her genuinely. I myself don't like her and the way she lives her life, i just wanna be her for a day and experience her life. (di ko mapigilan ang ingles, paumanhin)

Day4: nanay ko. Wala lang, para malaman yung mga sentiments nya.

Day5: Angel Locsin. Just to be his fantasy. :D

Ayun na un. Suntok sa bwan, pero at least i satisfied whatever my ideas are trying to communicate.

Thanks.
-kim