I admit that i have this "IDEAL GUY" image that i have perfected in my mind. Who i think of everyday, who i imagine to be my escort on my big day, and most of all, to whom i set the standard whenever i decide for a relationship. It might be something vain, but that's the way i assure my heart and i am being proud of it. Almost every morning to bring myself to sleep, i might need to be with this ideal guy to feel the security, and that way i could close my eyes and dream FURTHER. For some reasons, that's how i am, and no matter how i am sick of me, i am not sure if i could change given the circumstances. I am not a big fan of immature imaginations, most of the time, i get to be realistic when it comes to "HIM", and when it comes to my idea over his. That's how probably my friends get the mindset of me being PERFECTIONIST-IMPERFECT-MODERN-BITCH. Well, i can't blame SOME of them.Maybe i am, or maybe i just had enough to resist more of some random guys shortcomings. I have no more of this "playing safe" stuff, but somehow i need to be sure.I need to be sure i would not be like my mother. That has been married with all of this sacrifices over this man who has been sick for the longest time and who she's been madly in love with. I don't know how she could stand for it, but her love is a proof of an unconditional love over this man who happens to be my father, and i realized i feel the same way the day before yesterday.Well, it was a "SAME SHIT, in a DIFFERENT DAY" until i got home. I found him laying in his bed as usual, as a routine i would stay from where i stand to check perhaps if his chest still moves(i am not sure why, maybe because i would want to convince myself just even before going to bed that when i wake up, i still have him), but he looked differently. I changed clothes, sat beside the bed and looked at him for minutes, he looked back, his eyes swells, his skin changed color into pale, i felt a prick in my heart. I asked if he wants coffee, he just stared with those eyes full of pain, i asked where mom is, he did not say a word and expressed his pain through his facial capabilities that's when my tears fell and they were uncontrolable. Breathlessness covered my mouth, i covered my face and direct my self in my bed, i have to hold what i sounded like because i don't want him to hear. I cried, yes i did. That was my loudest, longest and the most hurtful cry, mom arrived and asked what'd those tears for, i said i don't know, all i know is my pop looks differently and i can't take it. She asked me if i could help her bring pop to his seat, i said i can't cause i don't think i still can draw near their bed.I cried my self to sleep, and i woke up with mom's voice after quarter of an hour, she shouts my name, i hate how it sounded that is why i stood right away.My uncle nurse arrived and came up with this words, "di ba eya mekapag-dialysis? Kaya ing dinat minukyat na buntuk kaya ena naka tamu kilala." my world fall apart having that note, MY FATHER WOULD NO LONGER RECOGNIZE ME?! That's the worst thing i have ever heard in my life, the father i have loved all my life will be dumb? I don't have a clue how i looked like when i scrutinized.We found ourselves with concern people at the hospital's door, crying, in deep pain with him and worried for the worst scene.After four hours, he has gone back to how he originally looks like, he looks sick but not worse than how i saw him after work that morning. He then started smiling again, but those are faked i know, then he started saying things about the people around him, that's how he is. Laboratory results revealed hypoglycemia, complications, kidney failure, anemia, what else?? I'm afraid i could not stress more how sick he is.He doesn't want to stay at the hospital so we brought him home, as we go on our way, i thought this man is the man who i first fell in love with, and that love is unconditional. It may not be as great as how mom loves him, but it is the greatest love a daughter could offer to his father i am pretty certain.He is irreplaceable, he is my one and only.I could not love a man more than i love him.IN GOD'S NAME, HE'LL BE FINE, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. HE WILL BE REDEEMED AND HE WILL BE FREED OF HIS SICKNESS AND PAIN. I think everyday's full of difficulties, every minute is a challenge and every second is tough, but in God's grace everyone's a refugee including NESTEA.I AM POSITIVE. YES, I AM
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