THE BUD

After that sounding heart's day, as they say a day of unconditional love, forgiveness, everlasting appreciation, candle lit dinner dates, red roses in an arrangement, bitter-sweet chocolates and cuddly bears, i saw a red rose's bud laying on the street, half-dead, its petals not tightly held together, the leaves from glowing green are dark and weak, the thorns are from the start scrape leaving scars and fresh wounds, not even a bug could see the beauty in it, NOT EVEN A BUG. But i did. I saw it and i remember, that bud made me not forgetful to ignore. That pathetic bud made me realize i am more pathetic, it awoke my heart from a long curse to not feel, it bears that magical spell to abort my capability to be numb, it widenned my horizon to see and to think, and above all, it showed me what love could moreover offer.

That bud is beautiful, well, it WAS. It was even an instrument for that guy to announce his love to the world for that lucky girl. But maybe, the girl of his dreams wouldn't want to be his dreams anymore, the girl avoided the love that the guy kept for a long time, that he saved courage to dictate, and offered through that bud. That makes it unhappy ending for the one who dedicates and the one who have been dedicated to. They both failed, they both cried and both been rejected and both sang the song of a broken heart.

LOVE IS JUST LOVE, IT IS NOT PERFECT AND IT COULD BE A FAILURE.

It may sound so unfair, indeed it is. It's unfair! That's just the way it goes. Not everyone could define happily ever after anyway. It's even more unfair how fate chooses people, how it chooses its victim.

Then, begin asking questions that torture the heart and disturb the mind every single second of almost everyday. Nobody knows, everything just happens in a snap or a wink.

Don't worry, there'll be a time to blow the water, a chance of some sort of a revenge. Vengeance is the mission and the key for self-satisfaction, and the good news is everyone gets the opportunity to stand up and show the world what it has been given up for the longest time. It will come, it should be in a perfect time. A TIME FOR THAT BUD TO BLOOM INTO A REAL ROSE.

:)

REIGN OVER ME

"i have always been fascinated by that, i mean curious because of what they say about it. That you can lose yourself, everything, all boundaries, all time, that two bodies can become so mixed up, that you don't know who's who and what's what and just with the sweet confusion so intense and you think you'll gonna die, you kinda do. Living you alone in your separate body with the one you love is still there, that's a miracle! You can go to heaven and come back alive, go back, anytime you want with the one you love."

(i just thought about this, but unfortunately i am not inspired enough to write something today. So i said, "don't worry, i'll get back to you!" have a good one! :) -21st of February

finally today, february 24 i think i can justify it.)

For some reasons everyone's a star when it comes to bringing this topic to everybody's attention in an informal or even formal conversation. But with an exception of me to that "everyone" word, cause i just stop, listen, observe, and keep quiet to their lime lights whenever they talk about it. What can i say anyway? I haven't experienced, i haven't felt, i haven't encountered YET. So i guess, the best way to stand for a friendly conversation as such is to take everybody's say about it and voice my confusions out.

I ask questions 'so, how'd you feel taking that position?', i say my comment on what they say 'gross!', and i'll laugh when i feel like laughing at the idea.

They say it's sweet, the feeling is just phenomenal, they even say once your there it's hard to go back to your reality, it's like a dreamland in a four-cornered tiny place, some even compare it to the garden of promises, some take it as their drugs, some are employed by it, eat by it and earn money from it.

I have once heard that if you started the act of doing it YOU JUST CAN'T STOP FOR SOME REASONS. That made me so afraid to try, because based on what and how they say it, it's more like of an ADDICTION. But it's my greatest fear not to even experienced what God has set up for me and for my body. *shrug* so what for an addiction? For as long as it's LEGAL and supported by black and white.

The truth is i haven't mentioned the exact word for it, but i am certain that everyone who has the chance to read, has read between the lines.

And you are right if you choose to believe i am talking about SEX or in the most rightful word for me -- MAKE LOVE.

THE MAN I FIRST LAID MY EYES ON

I admit that i have this "IDEAL GUY" image that i have perfected in my mind. Who i think of everyday, who i imagine to be my escort on my big day, and most of all, to whom i set the standard whenever i decide for a relationship. It might be something vain, but that's the way i assure my heart and i am being proud of it. Almost every morning to bring myself to sleep, i might need to be with this ideal guy to feel the security, and that way i could close my eyes and dream FURTHER. For some reasons, that's how i am, and no matter how i am sick of me, i am not sure if i could change given the circumstances. I am not a big fan of immature imaginations, most of the time, i get to be realistic when it comes to "HIM", and when it comes to my idea over his. That's how probably my friends get the mindset of me being PERFECTIONIST-IMPERFECT-MODERN-BITCH. Well, i can't blame SOME of them.Maybe i am, or maybe i just had enough to resist more of some random guys shortcomings. I have no more of this "playing safe" stuff, but somehow i need to be sure.I need to be sure i would not be like my mother. That has been married with all of this sacrifices over this man who has been sick for the longest time and who she's been madly in love with. I don't know how she could stand for it, but her love is a proof of an unconditional love over this man who happens to be my father, and i realized i feel the same way the day before yesterday.Well, it was a "SAME SHIT, in a DIFFERENT DAY" until i got home. I found him laying in his bed as usual, as a routine i would stay from where i stand to check perhaps if his chest still moves(i am not sure why, maybe because i would want to convince myself just even before going to bed that when i wake up, i still have him), but he looked differently. I changed clothes, sat beside the bed and looked at him for minutes, he looked back, his eyes swells, his skin changed color into pale, i felt a prick in my heart. I asked if he wants coffee, he just stared with those eyes full of pain, i asked where mom is, he did not say a word and expressed his pain through his facial capabilities that's when my tears fell and they were uncontrolable. Breathlessness covered my mouth, i covered my face and direct my self in my bed, i have to hold what i sounded like because i don't want him to hear. I cried, yes i did. That was my loudest, longest and the most hurtful cry, mom arrived and asked what'd those tears for, i said i don't know, all i know is my pop looks differently and i can't take it. She asked me if i could help her bring pop to his seat, i said i can't cause i don't think i still can draw near their bed.I cried my self to sleep, and i woke up with mom's voice after quarter of an hour, she shouts my name, i hate how it sounded that is why i stood right away.My uncle nurse arrived and came up with this words, "di ba eya mekapag-dialysis? Kaya ing dinat minukyat na buntuk kaya ena naka tamu kilala." my world fall apart having that note, MY FATHER WOULD NO LONGER RECOGNIZE ME?! That's the worst thing i have ever heard in my life, the father i have loved all my life will be dumb? I don't have a clue how i looked like when i scrutinized.We found ourselves with concern people at the hospital's door, crying, in deep pain with him and worried for the worst scene.After four hours, he has gone back to how he originally looks like, he looks sick but not worse than how i saw him after work that morning. He then started smiling again, but those are faked i know, then he started saying things about the people around him, that's how he is. Laboratory results revealed hypoglycemia, complications, kidney failure, anemia, what else?? I'm afraid i could not stress more how sick he is.He doesn't want to stay at the hospital so we brought him home, as we go on our way, i thought this man is the man who i first fell in love with, and that love is unconditional. It may not be as great as how mom loves him, but it is the greatest love a daughter could offer to his father i am pretty certain.He is irreplaceable, he is my one and only.I could not love a man more than i love him.IN GOD'S NAME, HE'LL BE FINE, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. HE WILL BE REDEEMED AND HE WILL BE FREED OF HIS SICKNESS AND PAIN. I think everyday's full of difficulties, every minute is a challenge and every second is tough, but in God's grace everyone's a refugee including NESTEA.I AM POSITIVE. YES, I AM

PORK CHAO FAN AND PORK TOFU

so i am having that breakfast in a not-so-fancy restaurant, and suddenly found myself being so mixed-up with the tone of the song they've played, then eventually got into analyzing the words in that music, i felt myself moved and had a sensational goose bumps.

"who am i that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name? who am i... yada yada yada..."

.. then i asked, "is this Your way of reminding me that i am taking you for granted?"

i changed whatever covered my mind, it's just strange that when i tried, the music just blew louder.

then i said, "ok, are you trying to blow the water on me? I AM GUILTY, YOU WON. i pray just whenever i remember and just whenever i am asked to do so, i don't read my bible anymore and spiders are reigning over it on my book shelve, when i wake up i go straight to hydrate myself and i don't take time to remember you, when i eat and that's what i do all the time (You know me, sure You do) i don't even thank You for whatever i am about to put in my mouth, i say bad words and i just don't mind, i think awful stuffs about my fellahs, and most of all, i have forgotten HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME. i am SORRY. i'll make it up, i wouldn't promise cause You taught me not to.I'LL JUST TO IT GOD.. I WILL"

i may not totally express my ample gratitude for everything, 'cause maybe i am not capable of such for i have a lot to be thankful of.

i remember, one evening before i have gone to work i prepared my self a meal to back me up for the whole night stress. i have one mixed-vegetable dish, fried fish, and one other fried dish that i don't remember the name but it is made of minute prawns that had been held together by flour and egg (and bread cramps? i guess). well, the dishes did not work well with my taste buds. the vegetable dish turned out to be overcooked for me, fish is a fish and i am not happy that those fish are made to be fish and just intended for frying, those round friend little prawns held tightly together are just too salty for me too resist -- it's like drinking water from the wide ocean floor. so, i stood up, make face that probably says "WTF am i eating?! it effin' does not taste good and i'm gonna bust everything out to trash bin!" and loudly said "eeh, makanyan ing pamangan ku!! enaku mamangan!!" well, i just woke up. out of shocked my father shouted, "nakang kayarti!! nanu nanaman wari ing buri mung kanan?!!!"

SILENCE.

i regret i even said something like that without even acknowledging that i am not deserving to any nice meal unless i say thank You every time i have something to ease my borgorygmus.

because the truth is, this folks below this note are starving, and i eat for pleasure.

i ended up, having take out rather than dine in. I LOSE MY  APPETITE! YES, I DID.

"ALL WE REALLY WANT IS LOVE'S CONFUSING JOY"

Everybody's big about love. It is something out of ordinary for some. Others see it as a hell of a nice universe next door. For young love, love is full of promise, full hope and just ignorant of reality. And; to some organize-patient dude, love can't be planned. On the other hand, to some people, love doesn't exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people. For some ladies and some gentlement, to love is to fix ALL the broken hearts. Man-haters or woman-haters say love gives acid reflux, and that's what love means. Wild say "my roommate just came home, would you like a threesome?" and that's how love supposed to be expressed. And, for me i guess, i'd say love is not hereditary, it is not contagious -- when your mom and dad, your grandmother and grandfather or your great grandma and great grandpa love each other so dearly doesn't mean you will love someone as great as the love your ancestors felt.

Love is not as cheesy as a kiss in the rain, or as rough as the tragic of Romeo and Juliet or Jack and Rose and not as happy ever after as with Cinderella and Prince Charming. Whatever you do for love is not significant, but doing them for love is no more important than anything else. Stupidity if turn back on something as important as love.

Love can't be rushed.

I found a story about a love..

He drop roses's petals at a random doorstep with a note saying: "SOMEBODY OUT THERE LOVES YOU." then they saw each other's eyes he asked: "will you marry me?" when she found out it's him she came up with this words: "when you ask a girl to marry you, do you want her to just consider it? Or do you want her just to know?"

He went to a far away place no one knows, coincidence he got seat partnered with some another ordinary girl who wears that uniform which brings his curiousity, he asked "two bars is a lieutenant?" "two bars is a captain." she answered. Later, she gave him this words that he might consider sweet, tough and blunt: "i can read you. It's a part of my training, everyone gives subtle hints. Hints like giveaway. You boarded the plane wearing a suit but no wedding ring. Serious, but not committed. You let a stranger sleep on your shoulder. Kindness, but also feels good to be needed. The heart-shaped candy, another giveaway. Either you have a problem with sugar, which based on the syrup you put on your pancake this morning, i wouldn't think so. Or you have a problem with candy in the shape of a heart. Which means you might have a problem with romance and things pertaining to love in particular." astonished he answered: "not bad."

they smiled at each other but that doesn't mean they ended up falling in love on the airplane. They set apart with farewell words from him: "you will not lose your finger prints by touching other's life. So don't be afraid if i say, you touched mine." she rendered her sweetest smile and replied, "i knew that, do not dilly-dolly, find her and grab her!" he was left blank but searching words to say, when he went back to his reality she's gone, he told himself "i don't dilly-dolly, i only oopsy-daisy."

and that makes up my non-sense story about love. Well, WHACK THE HEART FOR ME!

I've seen the enemy, and the enemy is me. Unfortunately, the truth makes everything else seem like a lie. Thus, i have perfectly adequate reasons to tell myself i lied when i said "I DON'T WANT LOVE." because all i really want is love's confusing joy.

WHAT DO THEY SAY ABOUT PATIENCE?

I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire

Yeah I would have a show like Oprah
I would be the host of, everyday Christmas
Give Travie a wish list
I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
And last but not least grant somebody their last wish
Its been a couple months since I’ve single so
You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho
Get it, hehe, I’d probably visit where Katrina hit
And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did
Yeah can’t forget about me stupid
Everywhere I go Imma have my own theme music

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire

I’ll be playing basketball with the President
Dunking on his delegates
Then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette
Toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it
But keep the fives, twentys (?) completely separate
And yeah I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket
We in recession but let me take a crack at it
I’ll probably take whatevers left and just split it up
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
Eating good sleeping soundly
I know we all have a similar dream
Go in your pocket pull out your wallet
And put it in the air and sing

I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad!
I am pretty certain that everybody gets the tune. It's Billionaire by Bruno Mars (half Filipino) and Travie McCoy which had its way to top since day one on the music chart of the Philippines and the world. these two guys are i believe not as big before they had the Billionaire and they've took our hearts after that.

why?

maybe because we like the tune and the style and the genre of the song.

or we like the singers.

or perhaps, we all can RELATE of what the song's implying.

early this morning i have read a post from my suth colleague that goes like this,"Andrea Sibal: i wanna be a billionaire so freakin bad..buying all the things i never had..( wen will this be..huh..so tiring to wait..)"

she got tired of waiting for the "time".

i got it, it is never easy to wait for something that you badly wanted, when everything does not make sense except the fact that you can dream about it for now. and dreaming doesn't bring any contentment, it would instead make that eagerness live an immortal life and we end up being frustrated because we fail to have the right attitude -- PATIENCE. 

we heard it a million times before PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. but the truth is, we never really knew the essence.

yes, it will take time, but did anybody realize that that time of wait will be paid of? or did anybody do the right thing while waiting in line?

in the perspective of a 20 year-old girl or 7,319 day-old young lady or 175, 656 hour-old lady or 10,539,360 minute-old young woman or 632,361,600 second-old woman as of 7:14 am of the 29th of January, 2011 -- IT IS NEVER TOO LATE, no matter how many digits you have in your age. we can still make up for that goal.

in that note, we have to do something rather than skulking around and just WAITING. we have to remember that we have to do something to be SELF-MADE. it doesn't necessarily mean we have to work to death, but at least, MOVE AN ASS!

finally, there's just a fine difference between an intelligent and determined, and more often that not the second over-powers the first. at the end of the day, it would still be not what's on your mind but what is in your HEART. never treat yourself an inferior, rather, believe that no matter what happen your shortcomings don't define you as a person and as a winner. Rene Descarte once have said "I THINK, THEREFORE I AM", so if we think we can, then, we have to do it!

so, THREE things, and they are:

• BE PATIENT
• MOVE AN ASS
• IF YOU THINK YOU CAN, DO IT!

:)

GINISA MIX

Napatayo ako sa kama dahil naamoy ko ang ginigisa nyang bawang at sibuyas, mag-aalas dose na pala, bigla kong naalala ang gutom ko.

Naglakad ako papuntang kusina at nasumpungan ko ang pinto, nasilayan ko sya habang hawak ang kutsilyo sa kanan at kamatis sa kabila.

Di na sya katulad ng dati, nagbgo na ang itsura nya. Tumatanda na, pumuputi ang buhok, unti-unti na ding kumukulubot ang balat, lumalabo ang mata at numinipis ang mga hibla ng kilay nya.

Matagal ko syang pinagmasdan, mula ulo hanggang talampakan. Pati ang suot nyang damit, pati ang kilos ng mga mata at mga kamay. Di nya napansin ang presensya ko, "oo nga pala, malabo na kasi ang mata nya" naibulong ko.

Ramdam ko ang gigil sa bawat pagdampi ng kutsilyong stainless sa kawawang kamatis, dinig na dinig ko din ang pagtama niyon sa sangkalang pinaluma na ng panahon, at ang pagsaliw ng tunog ng ginigisang bawang at sibuyas. Umaalingasaw ang amoy na yun, sumisiksik sa ilong, pero masarap sa pakiramdam at sa kumukulo kong tyan.

Sa tantya ko, kauuwi nya lang galing trabaho, tapos nagluto sya agad, samantalang ako, kagigising lang at pupungas-pungas pa. Naghihintay lang na maluto iyon para makakain na. Bagaman ganoon, di sya nagrereklamo. Ni wala akong narinig na kesyo pagod sya, o masakit ang rayuma nya o di kaya gutom na gutom na sya.

Nahagis ang paningin ko sa gawing kanan, napatingin ako at napangiti ng makita ko ang lata ng hokkaido. Sinunod nya ang timpla ng panlasa ko, di sya nagprito ng longganisa o ng hotdog, sardinas! Kay saya at gaan ng pakiramdam, dininig nya ako. Di ganun kasarap ang sardinas, pero alam kong mapapasabak ako sa kainan dahil madalang lang naman yun ang nakahain sa mesahan, ternuhan pa ng umuusok na kanin.

San tambak pa pala ang maruruming pinggan na nagamit kagabi, "hay!" buntong-hininga ko iyon sa sarili ko, ano ba naman ako?!

Walang ginawa kahit ano!

"boy! Boy! Boy!"

napukaw ako ng tawag na yun, may luha sa mata ng taong pinanggagalingan ng tinig. Naiwan ko palang bukas ang TV at ang electric fan, si Roberta kilala sya bilang mumay. Naihip nanaman ng hangin ang pag-iisip ko, napakasat ulit sa kama at nanuod, may mga pagkakataon pa ngang wari'y tinatawag ako ng unan ko "HALIKA, HUMIGA KANA. PARANG MASARAP MATULOG ULI." tukso. Di ko mahimay ang mga tumatakbo sa kukote ko, biglang sumakit ang bumbunan ko at natuktok nalang sa panunuod.

Madalang lang ang masaya, puro malulungkot yata.

Pagkatapos nun, naibalik sa tyan ko ang atensyon ko. Byernes na bukas, may napag-usapan na kaming gagawin ni mama at paniguradong magiging masaya yon. Sa sabado, manunuod kame ng sine, pero di ko pa alam kung ano. Sa ganoong paraan man lang ay makabawi ako.

Gusto ko din sanang magpamasahe kaming dalawa. Para naman matanggal ang sakit ng kalamanan nya, at ang mga lamig sa katawan nya.

Magiging maayos din ang lahat, mawawalan din ng bulok na laman ang isip ko. Magiging masaya din ako, kame, at tayong lahat.

Nuod tayo ng sine sa sabado, anu bang magandang palabas? Yung di pambata at di din naman pang matanda.

Bumukas ang pinto, "mangan tana." si mama, anu ba yan lalung lumalalim ang guilt ko! Pero ansarap ng tinig nya sa pandinig ko, MUSIKA! At wala ng makakarevive pa. :)

i ♥ u mama ko!