THE LOVE I HAVE VS. THE LOVE I CAN GIVE

HE'S NOT EVEN THE MAN OF MY DREAMS, BUT I END UP HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH HIM.

Most of his hissy fits are getting into my nerves!

If i have a chart of people who made me cry from greatest number of times to the least, i bet he is my topnotcher. He doesn't really mind the words he say, he just let them out and strike whoever he say those words to. He neither mind what his actions can convey, whether or not they are understood, he just give it a shot the way he knows how to.

He was not tought how to say sorry i guess, 'cause he suck at it!

His tolerance and patience are immeasurable for they are so short. He is inconsiderate in most of the times.

He never run out of tasks to assign and it gets tiring everyday.

He is not a big fun of giving space. In fact, he did not give one for the record! He don't give his 'yes' for major, life changing decisions i make for myself, unless i do them before hand and before i even ask an approval about them, that way, he can't do anything anymore.

He is not good in showing how delighted he is for something great, it just wouldn't turn out into flattery for the person who did nice, and worse, it is much of an insult.

His mad voice rattles me a lot, to the extent of me just frozen in one corner with no words nor thoughts, being left blank and numb.

He doesn't hand the remote control nor ask what channel i want to tune the TV on. It just don't work that way for him! With the TV, he's the BOSS! (much like for everything)

He likes drama! It's not really something obvious or an impression for those who don't know him, idk, i find it a minus "pogi" points.

He was not positive. Pessimism invites bad luck, but he still keeps the attitude.

He created the concept of favoritism. He has apple of his eyes, and that annoys me!

He doesn't ask questions, he assumes that what he knows is the only thing that is right and acceptable. Conceited is the right term and more likely judgemental.

After work, he just sits there and wouldn't move even his fingers. I got it, he's tired. And then..?

I AM SO THANKFUL THAT I WASN'T NAMED AFTER HIM, or else i'd wake one morning hating my name because it sound rediculous and probably would start asking God WHY. ROLANDA VINUYA, what d'you think? Rhythm! Oh, i LOVE! *sigh*

Besides everything and anything, he knows how exactly to show love, show he cares and he supports. He gets the exact definition of responsible and over-doing it.

One thing i should be proud of about him is the fact that he is trustworthy and he doesn't concentrate with the predicament but how to solve it anyway.

He cooks good and savory food no one has ever made me taste of, not even my mom!

He sings his songs from the heart, and the last time i can remember is his own rendition of LARAWANG KUPAS that no one has ever sang as lovely as he does *wink*

He keeps his pain within so no one worries for him. Which i think, not really a good sign. Asking God to heal him means asking Him to remodel his whole psyche. I know that is something impossible for human, but GOD IS A GOD OF IMPOSSIBILITIES. So, i'll hold on to my faith.

He keeps his words, make them his principle -- that in the long run would define him as a person. He never promise something he wouldn't want to do, he makes sure that he sworn means he's willing.

I LOVE HIM, I DO.

The love i have is not equal to the love i can give, they are extremely two different thing, and the last is GREATER. If time comes that i do not have love left, it's the love i kept for him will keep me going, for without him i did not even exist and experience life.

On that note, i would never find another to love as much as i love him. Ever!

SANA PISO ULIT ANG PANDESAL

PILIPINAS ba ang Pilipinas kung walang pandesal? PILIPINO ba ako kung di pa ako nakatikim ng isa kapares ang mainit na kape sa agahan? Panederya ba ang JOLAS (bakery sa kanto namin) o ang dieg's o juliet's kung wala silang mainit na pandesal sa madaling araw na malamig na sa hapon? "walang matigas na tinapay sa mainit na kape" pa kaya ang titulo ng pelikulang iyon ni D' King kung walang pandesal? Magtitimpla pa kaya ng tsokolate A ang lola kung wala naman akong mabibiling pandesal kay Jolas? Pa'no naman kaya 'tong kesong puti sa mesa kung wala ang sinisintang si pandesal? Magiging solve ba ang umaga ko kung wala sya?

HINDI!

Sabi sa napanood kong dokumentaryo nung isang araw, galing daw sa mga español ang konsepto ng pandesal na di naglaon ay naging basehan ng pagka-Pilipino at pagka-makabansa. Naging simbolo na rin ito ng Pilipinas, ang tahanan umano ng magigiting.

Paano na? Paano ko na mailalarawan ang Pilipinas kung kakuntil nalang ang dalawang pisong pandesal na nabili ko kay 'pepot'?

Maliit, matabang, ampaw, malamig, matigas at mahal. Ganun ba? Masakit sa taenga. Gusto kong mapamura! Ganito na ba ang Bayan kong Sinilangan na Perlas ng Silangan at tahanan ng aking lahi?

Kayumanggi ako, kulay lupa din ang bilog ng aking mga mata, di man ako kaliitan, Pilipino ako at pinagmamalaki ko 'yun -- DATI. Di naman sa kinahihiya ko, ayaw ko na nga lang ipamukha dahil mahirap na'ng mahusgahan dahil sa itsura, lasa at presyo ng pandesal na kinakain ko.

Malimit sa hindi, magiging basehan ako ng mga taga kanluran dahil nakarami na ako ng pandesal. Pati ang pilantik ng dila ko'y magaan ding huhusgahan, pangmahirap lang kasi ang pandesal at sa Pilipinas lamang matatagpuan. Kesyo Pilipinas daw ang kinalakihan ng mga unggoy at pangawala sa buong mundo na bansang may pinakamaraming buwaya (hihintayin ko pa bang manguna?), isa pa isa raw ito sa mga pinakamaruruming bansa, nangangahulugan ba itong bulok din ang sistema?

Siguro.

Sa mga nangyayaring patayan, mga nabubunyag na kurakot at mga nakawan, gusto ko ng maniwala. Minsan nga'y ayaw ko nang manuod ng mga balita sa TV, kasi naman puro negatibo. Tulad ng:

Si Pedro natagpuang patay sa tama ng bala sa ilog Pasig.

Kinar-jack ang kotse ng kilalang personalidad.

Ginahasa umano si Nene ng amang drug adik.

Binulsa ng mga nanunungkulan ang badyet para sa mahihirap.

Natupok ng sunog squatter's area sa Maynila.

Krudo nagtaas nanaman sa world market!

Hindi ba pwedeng:
taksi drayber nagsoli ng 2.5M halaga ng tsekeng naiwan sa pinamaneho nya.

Isang aleng naghatid ng batang milyonaryong kinidnap.

Isang grupo ng mga estudyante nakaimbento ng 'time machine'

Pilipino panalo sa American Idol

Pilipinas nangunguna sa SEA games

OFW milyonaryo na!

Pandesal, piso na ulit!

Sawa na ang tenga ko sa mga basurang naririnig ko sa radyo, sa TV, pati na din sa mga tsismisan sa dyip.

Wala na bang iba?

Mananatili na lang bang ganito ang pandesal kay Jolas? O magiging mas maliit, matabang, ampaw, malamig, matigas at mas mahal pa?

Kung oo, nakakahiya naman sa kanila! Nakakahiya naman ang mga Pilipino!

Sana may magawa ako para hindi na, sana may tumulong sa akin upang hindi na, sana malasap ko ulit ang pandesal ng nakaraan, presko, malinis, masarap at kampante akong kakasya ang limang piso para mabusog ang malaki kong tyan.

Sana maging maayos na, at nang muli kong maipangalandakan ang kulay ng aking balat at ang hugis ng aking ilong.

Sana tumino na ang dapat tumino, mangalis sa bulsa ang mga nappapakapal nito at pati sa masama'y nagiging sanay at wala na'ng konsensya na ultimo NFA rice ay tinutubuan pa.

Sana'y dumami na ulit ang mga puno sa nakakalbong bundok Arayat, at wala ng kakain ng bayawak dahil may ulam nang iba.

Sana'y pitong-pu't pitong pursyento ng balita sa radyo at telebisyo ay ukol sa kabayanihan, katapatan at pagtutulungan.

Sana'y di na kailangan mangibang bansa ng mga nanay at tatay ng mga musmos upang may sapat na pangtustos para sa kanilang magandang kinabukasan.

Sana'y may kumpletong libreng gamot na sa health center ng aming barangay.

Sana'y maging panatag na ang mga gabi ng mga tao sa Mindanao.

Sana'y magkaroon ng pagkakaintindihan ang mga muslim at kristyano na igalang na lamang ang paniniwala ng bawat isa at upang magkaroon ng pagkapantay-pantay at pagkakaisa.

Sana'y maayos na ang mga kanal upang hindi na matakot sa baha.

Sana'y alam ng mga tsuper ang batas trapiko ng sa gayon ay maayos ang daloy nito. Nawa'y maayos na rin ang mga bako ng mga kalsada, pati na rin ang pailaw sa poste at wala nang mangongotong na pulis trapiko.

Sana'y dumami pa ang mga call centers para magbigay ng trabahong may mainam na sweldo sa mga high school gradweyt na matatas sa ingles.

Sana'y makangiti na ng tunay na ngiti ang mga kababayan ko.

Sana'y abot-kaya ang presyo ng mga paborito kong ulam at pati na ang maputing kanin sa hapagkainan.

Sana'y mapag-ibayo ang paniniwala sa Diyos at pagtitiwala sa kapwa tao.

Sana'y nakangiti kong lalantakan ang PANDESAL.

Sana. Sana..

tics, tweets, tango

I have gone up from bed early this morning, i instinctively poured water in the kettle, turned on the stove, got a cup, then waited for the water to boil, put coffee, sugar and creamer (powdered) in to the cup stirred it with a spoon then went out for some fresh air.

To my mind i believe it could be relaxing, but guess what?

I have been hit by every stress point i have in my body.

All i hear then was the tic tac of that wall clock in my mind, the twitting birds and the frank sinatra's album played by someone i don't think i know who from the neighborhood.

I sat on that yellow and blue chair at the garage ignoring whatever that couldn't release my mind. I looked nowhere, someone from the back of my head is breathin' on my neck saying, 'YOU ARE WASTING YOUR DAMN TIME!!'

that left me thinking if i am dilly-dollying, i'm 20, and i just stopped college just because i don't think i still can and i'm being bothered by the thought that i do not really like what i would do after college. Time being wasted i think because i am not doing what i supposed to be doing at my age, 'i am an out of school youth', but i have been thinking of this for more than a million times before and it was CONVINCING to stop college for i have a lot of reasons aside from doubts.

"now, it's crying time again you'll gonna leave. i can see that far away look in your eyes. I can tell by the way you hold me darlin'. Chuchuchuchuchuchuchuchuchu(i didn't catch up with the lines) it's crying time." that was a big bang! That song's provoking tears, but i didn't mind! I go on with my thought and wanted to turn back time, but it's too late. Though, i am in the world of electric machines, time machine isn't existing YET. Then tune in to Doraemon, and was shocked that the episode was about that machine i long to have. (wish doraemon's an existing creature)

"lonely, i'm mister lonely. I have nobody to call my own." it was that familiar karaokè again.

how about that? I stop thinking and concentrated with my favorite show! The hell i care with the past!!

I got today and the future to make it better. :)

08. NOVEMBER. 2010, 12:06am

DEAR YOU,

i'm sure i haven't met you yet, 'cause if i have, it's given that i won't let you go and the rest will be history.

I never question your existence, nor doubt if you'll ever find me or probably if i ever find you, i know it'll happen; maybe not now, nor tomorrow, maybe the next day, or next year, or perhaps next decade. One thing is certain, i'm looking forward to that day. I'm looking forward in seing your face, staring you in the eyes, feeling your heartbeat, responding your kisses, hugging you back when you find me so cuddly no matter how long or how tight, and cherish your love of course.

Well, i have created you on my mind. I imagine you so sweet and caring, that you even stay awake at home while waiting for me to get home from a very long over time, sing me 'GROW OLD WITH YOU' to sleep and true to the lines of that song you would carry me around when my arthritis is getting bad like how Robbie Hart promised Julia Sullivan. I see you making me warm in my coldest nights and would never ever make me feel i'm alome whenever we're apart (like when we're both working or you've manage a boys's night out). I also see you as someone who would carry me on his back if i'm lazy going somewhere or just whenever we play, someone who would play tickle-ticklish-toe with me then tame me when i pretend that i'm hurt or offended.

Someone who would answer my vain questions like "do you love me?", "how long would you love me?", "would you still love me when i'm old?", "how many kids do you want? What would be their names?", "do you want me to be their mum?" and " will you say 'i love you' in a crowd?" and would like it best when it's your turn to ask those 'vain' questions back.

I know you'll be that someone who would look at me as if i am the most beautiful woman you've ever laid your eyes on. Who'll believe every word i say as if i am the most trustworthy person you've ever talked to. You'll be that someone who would discuss things with me, even the simpliest decision you'll make or the most non-sense thought you have. Someond who would let me nag and show how careless my words are and still ask for a time to explain his side. Someone who would wipe my tears in fights, and someone who would resist my mood swings, that he won't show his unless i'm done and it's already his turn.

I can't promise to be a perfect partner, but i promise a shoulder to leam on in times of troubles or times of movie in the theater, hands to applaud to your success, and, a heart that would always love.

I would still be that someone who would stay when your down. I would still be that someone who would resist your loud snores at night. I would still kiss you first thing in the morning though your breath still stinks. I would be that someone who just laugh at your loud farts. That someone who would crack big time even when jokes are not those jokes-to-laugh-at. Someone who would prepare your clothes to take a bath and hand yot your towel. Someone who would give you massage when you're too tired. I would be that someone who would trust your words and none other than you, even if your officemates link you to someone else (unless of course i see you actually flirting). I would still give you time though i'm exhausted doing office's stuffs, who would always cook your most requested dish and eat dinner with you everyday. That someone who would scratch your back to sleep and would LOVE YOU TODAY AND FOREVER.

Life couldn't be complete without you, and i want to believe that you'll happen SOMEDAY.

If i found and loved you, i'll always will be in love.

Love,
Me.♥

THE WEAKEST LINK

I did not go to work today, i just felt i needed to rest my body. Well, i've been wanting to do that since the first hour of my working days. I just have this feeling of exhaust and stress, plus the speculation of aggravation over my job. And so, i texted my boss to let him know i'll be absent for some reasons which were apparently truth and lie, but they are not totally may be considered alibis because as i said, some points are true.

I stayed home and do things i do like a regular day off; lay in bed, watch stuffs, facebook, read through the internet, eat, look around, chit-chat with my mom and dad about their day at the hospital, and of course, just stocked and not move my ass!

Unfortunately, tonight's a struggle for my favorite thing to do, SLEEP. I've been laying in my bed for the last 10 hours, i have finished reading an endeavor of someone far from who i know, i have completed my ideal life in my imagination, i have visited all my friends's page and let them know i miss them, i have heard all the songs in the disc and the dj's exaggeration over the radio, i have found out where that cricket stays in my room that i could hear the buzzing sound over my place, i have figured out all the constellations present in the sky, and, i have felt me as an individual and as a normal person (just quite nocturnal unlike normal human specie). On that note, I JUST CAN'T SLEEP!

On my mind, i have totally let myself believe that i deserve a break, and how about sleeping when the sun is not up there? "fair enough!" i told myself, but looks like it did not transpire as good as i thought it has to be! Good Lord in heaven, i just had time to self-pity around and envy other people who gets the better slice of the cake!

Others may think i am bitter, well i am! I have all the reasons to be anyway, 'cause their darn asses are smelling around and it's stink like a rotten mouse or a spoiled wormy tomato chunks in a sealed cookie jar that has been freed under the glass dining table (but no worries today, because i don't have the reason to envy their obvious smells).

I envy those who have healthy father, career and love life, those who lives in mine's impossibilities -- because of my life's limits, those who care enough for others, those who can write as free as their minds can think of and those who can keep their faith glowing and not fading through time.

I envy my seat mate's life back in high school, it was simple and basic, but she's happy about it; my friend's pilgrimage in college, he'll be separated with his friends but he did not lose the hope that there'll be friends waiting for him in his destination and his mum is excited to see him again after a long time; my previous work mate who has gone to a lot of heart breaks with the one she loves (who turned out to be like a gay) and her family but still manage to walk her life through as tough as she could; my present work mate's disposition over his job -- that he will not get used to it and familiar to it enough to make him think of getting a new job and a career; my sister who is better of not revealing her emotions and keeping them to her self just so as not to bother anyone; my pop who has a lot of pain but still has that happy disposition; and, my mom's determination that we could make it to the end strong, however, we just have to accept what might happen while getting to the finish line.

No matter how hard i try, close my eyes and hide, i just can't escape the fact that i can't sleep because i am thinking that i WANT TO BE HAPPIER, but i never lose the string i'm holding on to 'IN TIME, EVERYTHING WOULD BE GREATER THAN I HAVE EVER IMAGINED IT COULD BE LAST NIGHT."

WHAT IS LOVE?

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what
love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

as i flip through the pages of my "friend's notes", i have found this not-so-uncommon title "what is love?". I called it "not-so-uncommon" just because i had researched it before and my screen poped-up billions of related links, and double the number i saw was i guess web can no longer accomodate. But, this is special enough to generate my interest to repost and write whatever i feel and understood about it. So, i thought, now is the perfect time to scribble my mileage of thinking about the said. Given it's raining, and when it rains and i hear raindrops my heart and my mind work together just the best to coordinate with the sound of my own soul to let my emotions fill my blank outlook about LOVE.

(commercial: before i go on, i would just like to recognize the person who first posted the article "kuya cris buza, kim, remember? Basha! LOL. Pahiram po ah? Thank you." and of course the saint who gives life to the article "St. Augustine, thank you for bringing a perfect definition of love in this time when everybody seem to forget what love should really stand for. And today, an ordinary person would interpret your love in her ordinary language; love is my favorite theme and i know so do you.")

so, here i go..

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision." it is eventually there and when it pops out it is either i claim or i deny it's completely up to me; then it suddenly will fade, unfortunately, no matter how hard i try to keep it and no matter how i believe it'll last 'till forever, i still am UNSURE. And when it fades, no matter how hard i try to revive, it would not just be like that, until then that i totally lose it. God created me naturally needy of love, however love is hard to receive, to give and mostly to REGAIN.

"You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part." i have to admit that this part is what i could not really comprehend maybe because I HAVE NOT FELT THE LOVE IT DESCRIBES YET, and it add up spice in making me feel more eager to find it out. Perhaps, just perhaps, it's telling me that the more i hold on to love too tight the more it would let me go quickly, so at times, i have to be lax in handling it.

"Because this is what
love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion." this is what i can say loving is not owning, loving is not over-protecting, loving is not an adventure, love is not equal to LUST, to love is to respect and to respect is to love even more.

"That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident." love is when i lose the love, that i can still love more even if i don't have enough for my self, for the one i love and for love it self. It sounded vain for the first time, but reading between the lines could decode what it supposed to mean.

"..and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." love doesn't supposed to look outward, it sees the heart and defines the soul, then rule the mind, the eyes and the desire. Love is not what i see, it is what i feel, and love by it self is what makes it the WHOLE PACKAGE TO BE CONSIDERED and not anything earthy else.

My feelings towards the article is exactly what makes it a DELUXE rather than just whatever i thought about it.

This heart's day, it is what love i give not to whom i give it, and it's not the number of times i exerted an effort, but how sincere i an when i do.

A SWEETDREAM TWISTED TO A NIGHTMARE

They say when someone dream at night she wouldn't remember upon waking up. How come i remember what i have dreamt last night? Oh, i guess it wasn't even last night, it was earlier today.

It started of so sweet that every thing is about what i dream of as a young wonderful (like a person who wonders many things, not a wonderful like what you think a wonderful is) lady when i am awake. It was just perfect that even in dreams my aspirations are achieved.

Yes, i actually have seen myself in a court having my first trial, (and the first thing i have observed? i look so thin in there! And guess who i look like? JULIA ROBERTS! Oh, men! I am not sure if i was her in there. If she was, maybe it is a movie of my life.) anyway, i look good on those gladiator stillettos, those pair of white slacks, that really nice dark blazer and gray inner, as well as those pearls made of my chocker, a pair of earrings, a ring, and bracelet. I am definitely sure about looking stunning with my hair pushed back, lips of golden champagne, eye shadow of deep tan and bronze cheeks. Well my audience? Instead of being convinced with my probing are astonished by my beauty! How about that?

After i amazed everyone, i went home in my own red ferarri with a music tune in my favorite songs. The day ended with a positive view of life with my parents and sister.

That dream shifted into something i would do seven years from now, MARRYING THE MAN OF MY DREAM! That ideal man who'd i'll share the rest of my beautiful life with, that man i called 'YOU' on my letters, that man who i imagine he is, that man who would grow old with me and that man who doesn't have his name YET (name, which i mean a literal name and not the name of dignity, because he should have that just before i even met him).

Marriage under the sunset on the seashore, with those bells of love ringing loudly in our hearts, with that discreet awareness of happily ever after, white doves freed in the air that signals the purity of love and fairness of life, the cheerful breezes brought by the afternoon wind, the calm waves and the happiness of the people around us complete the drama of the marriage scene.

Then, we had our kids, we send them to school and bring them back home together, we will have a full-blast of sunday family day and we will go on trips around the world. Life was just so perfect and everything was in place!

Unfortunately now, that was the "SWEETDREAM" part.

Here comes the "NIGHTMARE"..

It was "ME" after work at my present workplace (SUTHERLAND GS), when i received the bad news that someone is sick to death but i wasn't so sure about who's who among my love ones. When i got home, my sister and mum have seriously bags under their eyes and were literally sobbing on all their might, i had a clue then. I ask them what the cries are for and they told me that my father whom i love dearly is in his death bed. I look at him, at his weak eyes, he was shivering, his whole body changed its color, his hand was shaking, my tears fell, but i have to be strong, so i pretended i am. I treat him as normal as i could, like the way i treat him every morning when i arrive from work, i ask if he wanted coffee and "pandesal" so he could take his medicines, he shake his head, so i nodded. My mum is still crying, so i told her to stop and asked her to cook great food for lunch, then my pop in front of me took his LAST DEEP BREATH just before i even said thank you because he took care of me since i was little! That hurts! Then, i cried a river of lonesome and sorrow. It was awful. I was awful. My life is awful.

My pop did not even see me up the stage attaining the threshold of my mind's capability of dreaming, his grandchildren and the future life i could give him. IT WAS JUST FRUSTRATING AND UPSETTING! I did not maximize my purpose! I love him, enough to give up my whole life for him.

That was how that dream turned out, my fairytale was not as good as CINDERELLA'S, SNOW WHITE'S, AURORA'S OR BARBIE'S.

Nevertheless, it was a good awakening. A relay that before i even let go of him, i should have shown him what I GOT! And show the world what i could live for!

I WILL!

YES, I WILL!

I SWEAR!

YES, I SWEAR!